renown

the devils dictionary
A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame — a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand.

I touched the harp in every key,
But found no heeding ear;
And then Ithuriel touched me
With a revealing spear.

Not all my genius, great as 'tis,
Could urge me out of night.
I felt the faint appulse of his,
And leapt into the light!
—W.J. Candleton
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

riches

the devils dictionary
A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased."
—John D. Rockefeller
The reward of toil and virtue.
—J.P. Morgan

The savings of many in the hands of one.
—Eugene Debs


To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

transformers

trustycoffeemug
only the best toy ever if you grew up in the 80s and 90s

in 1981, honorable japanese toy company takara released "diaclone," a line of toy robots that could be twisted and folded into nifty futuristic vehicles. one of their corporate samurai got the very original idea to market a line of these car-robot toys to horrible american children (probably because tonka and milton-bradley was already doing that with gobots and robotix), and also got the bright idea to make new ones modeled on real cars such as the formidable Toyota Land Cruiser, and the Volkswagon Beetle (called "the people's car" by adolf hitler himself)

to achieve this they sold the license for these "transformers" to the execs of american toy company hasbro, who decided to advertise their new cash cow with a crappy 80s cartoon and a marvel tie-in comic. the transformers were a smash hit; through the 80s you could always tell whose parents were rich enough to afford them (or at least, had formerly been rich before buying them). naturally they were so successful that hasbro has made every effort to run the franchise into the ground with a new cartoon every decade or so, plus letting michael bay make a series of porno movies that happen to occasionally feature transformers.

elvis

trustycoffeemug
a singer (to be precise, both a wailer and a crooner) who enjoyed enormous popularity between the nineteen-fifties and nineteen-seventies, culminating with his going to seed and an ignominious death on the toilet

known for his distinctive voice and sense of style, he has been called the king of rock and roll. although he had a surname (presley), it is rarely necessary to use it, as he is the most famous bearer of the name 'elvis' in history.

these facts, taken into consideration with the hordes of those who seek to impersonate him at las vegas and who insist they have seen him alive and well long after his death, suggest that he is roughly on par with jesus of nazareth in his religious significance

puma

trustycoffeemug
(n.) a large feline from the americas, also called a cougar or a mountain lion. evidently prefers to wear its hair much shorter than the true lions, perhaps indicating that they have embraced the old skinhead look

in actuality pumas are fairly distant cousins to pantherine cats such as lions and tigers (bears, incidentally, are standing well apart from that family cat-tree entirely)

church

trustycoffeemug
(n.) an institution in which groups of people come together in public prayer to recognize their deity

public prayer can also be observed in other places such as a casino, but in a casino the people praying actually mean it

tortoise

the devils dictionary
A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:

TO MY PET TORTOISE

My friend, you are not graceful — not at all;
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
A certain firmness — mostly you're backbone.

Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
Are virtues that the great know how to use —

I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
You lack — excuse my mentioning it — Soul.

So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
I'd rather you were I than I were you.

Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
When Man's extinct, a better world may see

Your progeny in power and control,
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

So I salute you as a reptile grand
Predestined to regenerate the land.

Father of Possibilities, O deign
To accept the homage of a dying reign!

In the far region of the unforeknown
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

I see an Emperor his head withdraw
Into his carapace for fear of Law;

A King who carries something else than fat,
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;

A President not strenuously bent
On punishment of audible dissent —

Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

Subjects and citizens that feel no need
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
My glorious testudinous régime!

I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
(also: god)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

satire

the devils dictionary
An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regarded as a sour-spirited knave, and his every victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent.

Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung
In the dead language of a mummy's tongue,
For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well —
Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.
Had it been such as consecrates the Bible
Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.
—Barney Stims
(also: humor)

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

safety-clutch

the devils dictionary
A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus.
(also: apparatus)
(also: elevator)


Once I seen a human ruin
In an elevator-well,
And his members was bestrewin'
All the place where he had fell.

And I says, apostrophisin'
That uncommon woful wreck:
"Your position's so surprisin'
That I tremble for your neck!"

Then that ruin, smilin' sadly
And impressive, up and spoke:
"Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,
For it's been a fortnight broke."

Then, for further comprehension
Of his attitude, he begs
I will focus my attention
On his various arms and legs —

How they all are contumacious;
Where they each, respective, lie;
How one trotter proves ungracious,
T'other one an alibi.

These particulars is mentioned
For to show his dismal state,
Which I wasn't first intentioned
To specifical relate.

None is worser to be dreaded
That I ever have heard tell
Than the gent's who there was spreaded
In that elevator-well.

Now this tale is allegoric —
It is figurative all,
For the well is metaphoric
And the feller didn't fall.

I opine it isn't moral
For a writer-man to cheat,
And despise to wear a laurel
As was gotten by deceit.

For 'tis Politics intended
By the elevator, mind,
It will boost a person splendid
If his talent is the kind.

Col. Bryan had the talent
(For the busted man is him)
And it shot him up right gallant
Till his head begun to swim.

Then the rope it broke above him
And he painful come to earth
Where there's nobody to love him
For his detrimented worth.

Though he's livin' none would know him,
Or at leastwise not as such.
Moral of this woful poem:
Frequent oil your safety-clutch.
—Porfer Poog

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

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