(n.) an elementary unit of time for human beings, consisting of one sunny phase that they spend awake and one dark phase that they spend asleep. known for passing extremely slowly on an individual basis, but practically flying by in the plural

A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century.
When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!
"Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and have your head struck off by the public executioner at three o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?"

"Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his bare scimitar, ostentatiously whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable and treasonous head."

"To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.

"To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh — I know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi."

"Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the Presence.

"Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" roared the sovereign — "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"

"Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."

Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident.

All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled and his breath came in gasps of terror.

"Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimitar I had accidentally passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office."

So saying, he grasped his top-knot, lifted off his head and advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

c. 3000 BC Egyptian pharaoh who united Upper and Lower Egypt to found the First Dynasty.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: menes quotes)

The place where the most people in the world talk trash about the military, but also the place where the most people in the world are married to military members, or professional affiliates.

(also: divorce rate)

(n.) another name for puma, which is also commonly called a mountain lion

to be quite honest you should probably stick with using one of those two latter terms, to avoid confusion with... ah... your mom's friend who is very physically affectionate with young men your age.

A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:

---

TO MY PET TORTOISE

My friend, you are not graceful — not at all;
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
A certain firmness — mostly you're backbone.

Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
Are virtues that the great know how to use —

I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
You lack — excuse my mentioning it — Soul.

So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
I'd rather you were I than I were you.

Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
When Man's extinct, a better world may see

Your progeny in power and control,
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

So I salute you as a reptile grand
Predestined to regenerate the land.

Father of Possibilities, O deign
To accept the homage of a dying reign!

In the far region of the unforeknown
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

I see an Emperor his head withdraw
Into his carapace for fear of Law;

A King who carries something else than fat,
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;

A President not strenuously bent
On punishment of audible dissent —

Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

Subjects and citizens that feel no need
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
My glorious testudinous régime!

I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
(also: god)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

to staunchly not enjoy (a thing you once loved).

(noun phrase) The regrettable instances where students deviate from expected conduct, testing the boundaries of classroom dynamics. It encompasses a spectrum of actions, from disruptive behavior and disrespect to defiance and disregard for academic norms. Such conduct poses challenges for teachers, demanding swift intervention, consistent discipline, and the delicate art of redirecting behavior towards positive engagement.

(also: your child is a good listener)

(noun): A charmingly deceptive bunch, known for luring unsuspecting tourists into a state of perpetual relaxation and carefree indulgence.

a sport involving men standing out on a floe of frozen ice and attempting to savagely beat each other with sticks. it's a bit like bruce wayne's training in batman begins, actually.

n. The collective body of the writings of all mankind, excepting Hubert Howe Bancroft and AdairWelcker. Theirs are Illiterature.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one — the knowledge and the dream.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A powerful group of mysterious forces that exist which every country use economic-based magic in a vain attempt to control. It is said that he who gain true control of the Market will achieve godhood but because it has never been done it is hard to say if it is fact or fiction.

The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

“A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live.”
― Lao Tzu
(also: Lao Tzu)

1. A malignant tumour in the arena of human rights activism.
2. A criminal, guilty of perjury, various assaults and charity/tax fraud.
3. A profoundly disturbed person being enabled by her own hangers-on and the media to never address her mental health issues.

(n.) a comic presented to its audience through the power of the web. the web provides a platform on which comics need not be subject to the gimlet eye and cruel iron fist of the newspaper syndicate, thus freeing webcomic creators to fully realize their true creative vision (usually furry porn)

Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol.
It says that alcohol is a colorless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based life for
(also: Encyclopedia Galactica)

(noun): A persistent and measurable increase in the general price level of goods and services in an economy over a period of time. In simpler terms, it's when everything seems to cost more and your money is worth less. Just think of it as the ultimate prank played on you by the wealthy elite, where they laugh all the way to the bank while you're stuck holding the bag.