a computer program that pretends to be a different genre of pornography

The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
(also: male)
(also: the devils dictionary)

Odd little electronic devices worn around the wrist (or other convenient appendage). The apparent function of these instruments, is to determine the time of day, though their actual suitability for this purpose is somewhat questionable.

The problem is that the process of programming one is so insanely complicated and involves so much stress, anxiety and general irritation, by the time you have actually figured out how to set it to, say, 5:42 p.m. you are much more likely to cut off your hands at the wrists and dispose of them, watch and all, than do something so thick-witted as to actually wear it. For this reason most enlightened regions of the Galaxy have given up on the whole business, and they are now extremely hard to come by.

One of the few remaining civilizations still hanging on to this affectation is the planet Earth, whose ape-descended lifeforms still consider the digital a pretty neat idea.

(also: time)

(n.) a singular falsehood soon to be joined by other lies

To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

different question, please

(n.) one of the less intense and therefore more insidious addicting drugs; in many cultures, morning consumption of coffee is part of a daily ritual in which they affirm their resentment of their daily obligations

n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.

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By misdemeanors he essayed to climb
Into the aristocracy of crime.
O, woe was him! — with manner chill and grand
"Captains of industry" refused his hand,
"Kings of finance" denied him recognition
And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition.
He robbed a bank to make himself respected.
They still rebuffed him, for he was detected.
—S.V. Hanipur

(also: crime)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) one who sings. not to be confused with one who singes.

A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

(abbreviated to Piano), n. An instrument thoughtfully provided by American husbands and fathers for their wives and daughters, in observance of Bulwer's dictum that "the best way to keep the dear creatures from playing the devil is to encourage them in playing the fool."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
(also: the devils dictionary)

(1712-1778) – French philosopher, author of Social Contract
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: jean-jacques rousseau quotes)

a man who has never won an oscar despite deserving it more than all the other oscar-winners combined.

yes, i said it. i'd say it again, too.

(n.) a soft, heavy yellow metal that was formerly of such great monetary value that people would risk their lives to procure it; nowadays recycled to make awards and, in the process of making electronics, is of secondary importance to sand

If their food had some flavor, maybe Helen wouldn't have grown up to be such a world-wrecking bitch.

the point at which you are most expected to pay attention

To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
(also: the universe)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

There are a number of theories as to the ultimate cause which brought the universe into existence.

personally, i prefer to believe we were laid by an unimaginably vast chicken as a cosmic egg, and in honor of that, the egg is to be worshiped. will our souls ascend to a grand new state of being in the divine hatching, or will we be burned in the eternally frying pan of damnation?

a type of graph that I haven't seen since I learned about it in grade school, and I look at a lot of graphs these days.