n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(v.) allowing someone to do something, when you have the authority to make such a decision.
(n.) the document proving you've got some set of permissions. generally has your name, photo, and some other important information. carry it with you, or else you're a goner! (technically spelled licence everywhere except the states but idkk man, https://www.grammarly.com/blog/licence-license/)

The uniform of the poor, serving to distinguish these creatures from their creators.
(also: poor)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

an antiquated slang term for a plainclothes detective. the name probably originates from the popular image of them sneaking about as if wearing gumshoes- that is, galoshes, rubberized boots worn in mud or other messy conditions, in which one would feel compelled to walk more gingerly.

there is no known tendency for detectives or people in galoshes to get gum on a shoe. it could happen, sure, but still.

(259 – 210 BC) – King of the state of Qin who conquered and united different regions of China in 221 BC.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: shih huang ti quotes)

an edgy word for spoiled brats

The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

---

They say that hens do cackle loudest when
There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid;
And there are hens, professing to have made
A study of mankind, who say that men
Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
They're not entirely different from the hen.
Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
His blazing breeches and high-towering cap —
Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
Is that in battle he will never hurt you?
—Hannibal Hunsiker

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(noun) The ancient art of combining two numerical beasts to create a mathematical monster. Often accompanied by confused looks, sweaty brows, and mild panic attacks. The process involves strategically placing numbers side by side and hoping for the best.

Lets say 47 + 69

Adding two-digit numbers is like having a race between a tortoise and a hare. The tortoise represents the tens place (4 in 47), and the hare represents the ones place (7 in 47).

First, the hare quickly hops over to the hare from the other number, which is 6. Now the hare is at 13, but it gets tired and goes back to the starting line. Meanwhile, the tortoise steadily crawls over to the other tortoise, which is 6. Now the tortoise is at 10.

At this point, the tortoise looks over and sees the hare at 13. The tortoise realizes it needs to catch up. So, it takes one more step, reaching 11, and then another step, reaching 12, and finally one more step, reaching 13.

Now, both the tortoise and the hare are at 13! They crossed the finish line together, and that's the answer to 47 + 69. The total is 116.

Just like the tortoise and the hare, each digit takes its own path to meet up, and when they finally do, you get the sum of the two numbers!

(also: Area of circle)
(also: Pythagorean theorem)
(also: Algebraic equations)
(also: Fractions and decimals)

(n.) intense physical activity used to improve one's physical condition so that they may justify overeating and laziness to their own conscience

Archaic practices designed to rob scalps and backs of the most pleasurable sensation the nerve endings within can experience.

Vain, conceited, as "a pretty girl." Tiresome, as "a pretty picture."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one — the knowledge and the dream.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(adj.) sinister; causing unease.

one may think of a house that has these qualities as a spookhouse. but we don't advise this.

(n.) someone trained to operate aboard a spacecraft, braving such dangers as the pitiless vacuum of space, the burning agony of unshielded radiation, the wasting-away of their bone and muscle mass, and the existential agony that accompanies total realization of one's insignificance in the grand scheme of things, all in the hopes of exploring totally uninhabitable places with generally little in the way of mineral wealth.

astronauts may be said to blur the line between courageous heroism and flagrant stupidity

(n.) a professional who studies the health and condition of teeth, regarded as kin to schoolteachers and other torturers

(n.) an evasive and ambiguous phrase used in lieu of a direct and to-the-point phrase, for the sake of tact

a game that begins to lay the psychological framework of addictive personality disorder within the minds of children, in a subtle-enough way that parents do not notice it, until the process is long-completed.

(also: indoctrination)

(n.) something you won't enjoy until you've acquired some taste.

n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)