the status of a man who, out of nothing more than the goodness of his heart, acts with politeness and kindness towards those whom he wants to have sex with

aeschylus (525-465 BC) was a playwright of ancient athens, perhaps best known for his oresteia trilogy ('agamemnon,' 'the libation bearers,' and 'the eumenides'), which is about a family caught in a bloody and endless cycle of revenge, as well as 'seven against thebes,' which is about some motherlover who tries to enjoy retirement but is repeatedly interrupted by his awful sons.

aeschylus was also an initiate into the cult of the eleusinian mysteries, joining cults being all the rage at that time.

aeschylus reportedly died when a hawk tried to smash a turtle open on the playwright's bald head, which the hawk had mistaken for a rock. this bizarre vagary of fate reminds us that one man's tragedy is always another man's comedy.

adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
(also: rhetoric)
(also: the devil's dictionary)

*This entry automatically adjusts itself to apply to the planet you are currently on.
(also: leaving the earth)
If the information below is not applicable to the planet on which you currently find yourself, then you are on the wrong planet and should rectify that at your earliest convenience.*

1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (713) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible.(also: nasa)
2. If they do not cooperate, phone a friend you might have in the White House- (202) 456-1414- to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
3. If you don't have any friends in the White House, phone the Kremlin (Ask the overseas operator for 0107-095- 295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you might as well try.(also: white house)
4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 001-39-6-6982, and I gather that his switchboard is infallible.(also: pope)
5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.

making the beast with two backs when you've only got the one back

there are two kinds of people in the world, those who just got done masturbating and those who are still doing it right now

(n.) a more polite form of argument where participants must listen to the dictates of a neutral arbitrator and pretend not to despise one another

is where most people are afraid to be there when it's dark

ptolemy i soter (367-282 BC) was a doofy-looking greek man who served as a military commander under alexander the great, for which he was made satrap (governor) of egypt, starting a new greek dynasty over the whole country (as well as other bits of the levant). he also responsible for establishing the musaium, the great library and university at alexandria.

following alexander's somewhat mysterious death while on campaign in babylon, ptolemy was on hand to have the conqueror's body taken to alexandria to be properly buried, which would have been read, by the custom of the time, as a declaration that he was alexander's "real, for true" successor (and it's rumored by some that he might have been alexander's illegitimate brother, though this is unlikely)

the ptolemaic dynasty of egypt was plagued by incest and treachery (yadda yadda) until it finally ended in 30 BC, when julius caesar decided egypt would make a nice backyard extension.

the beautiful phenomenon where you get eaten by wolves. It's beautiful because it's normal.

(n.) a quality historically defining the upper class (noblemen); considered to be roughly synonymous with grace, dignity, erudition and composure, in practice it's more shorthand for "friends in high places and doesn't have to work for a living"

. In ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place.

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"I had an ovation!" the actor man said,
But I thought it uncommonly queer,
That people and critics by him had been led
By the ear.

The Latin lexicon makes his absurd
Assertion as plain as a peg;
In "ovum" we find the true root of the word.
It means egg.
—Dudley Spink

a star begins its life as a nebula, a large ionized gaseous cloud that eventually coalesces and ignites.

after some millions of years of life, the star then 'dies;' either it simply dwindles away to a white dwarf and then a frigid black dwarf, or it lights up and explodes into a cosmic inferno known as a supernova. when a supernova finally clears, all that remains is a black hole.

black holes consist of a star's mass compressed into an infinitesimal point, creating such a tremendous gravitational pull that light cannot escape and the very fabric of spacetime is warped to the breaking point like a saranwrap trampoline that's had a bowling ball dropped on it.

stephen hawking invented them, or something.

attila (b. probably circa 406 AD) was a king of the huns and also ruled over a number of tribes in central asia and eastern europe between 434 and 453. he spent a lot of his time in office beating up the roman empire, which heaved a giant collective sigh of relief when he finally passed away on his wedding night. after that the huge kingdom he built basically dissolved into infighting.

sort of a western prototype for genghis khan.

according to a german opera-writer he is also the brother of brunnhilde, valkyrie and apparent queen of iceland, though he doesn't do much in the story besides marry Kriemheld (who wants revenge for the death of her husband siegfried, who was killed because he had a love triangle going with brunnhilde because he'd helped his friend woo her and yadda yadda yadda, there's a magic treasure involved or something)

thing you should do but don't.

(also: panic)

A North American Indian, whose skin is not red — at least not on the outside.
(also: america)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source — the first words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Deum Laudamus. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a traditional form of halloween decoration consisting of a vegetable that has been mutilated and disemboweled. a candle is then placed inside the hollowed-out specimen so that the baleful light may evoke the visage of a hideous, grinning face, to be presented on one's doorstep on halloween night.

the real horror comes days after that when you have to clean it up.

(also: pumpkin)

a very silly and not-at-all good thing that happened in south africa

sounds aptly and surprisingly like "apart-hate" when pronounced correctly.

Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.
The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.

people you're bound to by blood and birth, with no choice in the matter (also: hematology)