a means of selecting political leaders in which candidates perform for the amusement of the citizenry and attempt to suppress their objectionable characteristics, in exchange for which eligible citizens award them points in the form of little slips of paper with the candidates' names written on them. the points are then tallied to determine the winner and everyone goes home unhappy

elections are generally seen as mercifully less exciting than the previous system of violent uprisings and revolutions

v.t. To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A magical device for sedentary lifestyle enthusiasts that lovingly cushions your butt cheeks, like the babysitter your parents threatened to kill.
(also: enthusiasts)
(also: cushions)
(also: babysitter)

(n.) remembering what we thought the future would be like way back when we lived in the past, and daydreaming about how it might have been if the future had turned out that way

An average sized man who was born on an island, and died on a different island. He als had some interesting adventures in between.

(n) A convenient excuse for the Almighty to shirk their divine duties and leave humanity to their own devices. One can only imagine the heavenly distractions that must be more important than answering prayers or intervening in earthly affairs. Perhaps God is binge-watching a new series on Netflix or indulging in a celestial spa day. Either way, mere mortals will have to wait until God returns to their desk to handle the backlog of requests. In the meantime, humans may have to resort to solving their own problems, like adults.

(also: creation of the universe)

(1819 – 1868) American dentist who pioneered the use of anaesthetic.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: william t.g. morton quotes)

One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians — who are Hogmies.
(also: humans)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Fun fact: italians are either the best people ever, or racists

source: i'm italian

Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.

---

All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
—Dumbo Omohundro

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

to sing some medieval Hebrew poetry that you've half-memorized out of a book along with all the other congregants. If you want to seek a true connection to God beyond mere recitation, the translation can be found on the opposite-facing page.

(adj.) a physical property of an object.
(adj.) a conceptual property of a meme (philosophically speaking), e.g. image, melody, idea.

https://libgen.rs/search.php?req=hierarchy+of+contagious

humans who have done a lot of aging, reaching the later stages of the species' life span.

in many cultures, old people are revered for their wealth of experience, just as they are shunned for being weird, liver-spotted grouches who drive you up the wall with their interminable rambling stories

story of a worldwide event present in many independent accounts around the world. The fact that it is evidenced in so many cultures shows that they all ripped each other off

(n.) a stubbornly elusive piece of knowledge.

life is full of mysteries, such as:
what keeps us from achieving world peace? is it greg?
are we alone in the universe, and if so why does god have such poor space management skills?
what kind of meat is used in salami, really?
who killed mr. black, and with what, and in which room?
why must trustycoffeemug make so many references to classic rock?

(noun):
Hilariously disastrous stories that make you question humanity's ability to navigate the simplest of tasks, like opening a door or using a toaster without setting the house on fire.

(also: tales from pizza guy)

A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The young of the Procyanthropos, or Americanus dominans. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

a belief that Jesus will return for 1000 years of paradise, after which He will say "that was great, but I gotta go", leaving us to spend the rest of eternity in our wretched godlessness.

A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century.
When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!
"Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and have your head struck off by the public executioner at three o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?"

"Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The executioner appeared with his bare scimitar, ostentatiously whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable and treasonous head."

"To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.

"To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh — I know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi."

"Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the Presence.

"Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" roared the sovereign — "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"

"Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."

Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered peacefully to the close, without incident.

All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled and his breath came in gasps of terror.

"Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimitar I had accidentally passed it through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office."

So saying, he grasped his top-knot, lifted off his head and advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)