The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a force emanating from all matter, generally only perceptible when it comes from very large amounts of matter; it acts on other matter by generating irresistible attraction, and thus gravity is also used as a synonym for another inescapable force, serious shit

(n.) to utilize the element of surprise by avoiding prying eyes, so as to victimize, barbarize, and cut-down-to-size one's enemize

see also ambuscado, bacon tree

(1822 – 1884) Czech/Austrian scientist and friar – who founded modern science of genetics.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: gregor mendel quotes)

(n.) a creature with the head of a deer, the feet of a rabbit, and a long ratlike tail, as well as a distinctive tummy-pouch. astoundingly enough, this creature really does exist, though predictably only in australia

(also: cancel culture)

(n.) one brother fighting over possession of a toy, when the brothers are nations and the toy is disputed territory

Deception of the flesh and damage to the spirit. Disease of the soul, atrophy of the brain, weakening of the heart, corruption of the senses, poetic lies from which one gets ferociously inebriated two or three times a day in order to consume this precious but stupid life more quickly. And yet I would prefer to die of love. It's the only swindler, after Judas, that can kill with a kiss.

(n.) the act of borrowing something at a very favorable rate to the borrower.

a singer (to be precise, both a wailer and a crooner) who enjoyed enormous popularity between the nineteen-fifties and nineteen-seventies, culminating with his going to seed and an ignominious death on the toilet

known for his distinctive voice and sense of style, he has been called the king of rock and roll. although he had a surname (presley), it is rarely necessary to use it, as he is the most famous bearer of the name 'elvis' in history.

these facts, taken into consideration with the hordes of those who seek to impersonate him at las vegas and who insist they have seen him alive and well long after his death, suggest that he is roughly on par with jesus of nazareth in his religious significance

Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.

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All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
—Dumbo Omohundro

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

To dine.

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Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,
Well skilled to overeat without distress!
Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,
Shows Man's superiority to Beast.
—John Boop

(n.) a city
In the winter time the temperature falls well below the legal minimum, or rather it would do if anybody had the common sense to set a legal minimum. The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.

In the summer it's too darn hot. It's one thing to be the sort of life form that thrives on heat and finds, as the Frastrans do, that the temperature range between 40,000 and 40,004 is very equable, but it's quite another to be the sort of animal that has to wrap itself up in lots of other animals at one point in your planet's orbit, and then find, half an orbit later, that your skin's bubbling.

Spring is over-rated. A lot of the inhabitants of New York will honk on mightily about the pleasures of spring, but if they actually knew the first thing about the pleasures of spring they would know of at least five thousand nine hundred and eighty three better places to spend it than New York, and that's just on the same latitude.

Fall, though, is the worst. Few things are worse than fall in New York. Some of the things that live in the lower intestines of rats would disagree, but most of the things that live in the lower intestines of rats are highly disagreeable anyway, so their opinion can and should be discounted. When it's fall in New York, the air smells as if someone's been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breathe, the best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a building.

(also: new orleans)

The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediæval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body, were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been understood — not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

word used when you've already used "potato" and don't want to say the same word twice.

(noun):
A mythological figure in spandex, armed with superpowers and a wardrobe that defies practicality. They battle villains, save the day, and occasionally face existential crises about their secret identities.

(also: superhero)
(also: american art of saving the day)

A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.
(also: logic)

Life is a meaningless cycle of suffering and pain,that everyone need to go through and try to get the best out of it.

Letters indicating the degree Legumptionorum Doctor, one learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly ££.d., and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D. — Damnator Diaboli. The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custos, and written $$.¢. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)