tariff

the devils dictionary
A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.

"It were no more than right," said he,
"That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize —
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have? — although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to bawl
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
—Edam Smith
(also: donald trump)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

opposition

the devils dictionary
In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.

"What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition."

"Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."

So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated — the members of the Government party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.

orthography

the devils dictionary
The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter.

A spelling reformer indicted
For fudge was before the court cicted.
The judge said: "Enough —
His candle we'll snough,
And his sepulchre shall not be whicted."

cbt

busy arguement
Cock and Ball torture, a sexual activity involving torture of the male's genitals

This can include: Wax Play, Genital Spanking, Squeezing, Ball Busting, Genital Flogging, Genital Flogging, Urethral Playing, Tickle Torture, Erotic electrostimulation, and Kicking.

palmtop

jason
a computer that can be held in the palm. Smartphones are not palmtops because, in addition to making calculations, storing data, running programs, being programmable, and accessing the Internet, they can also make phone calls.

pregnancy

jason
a sexually transmitted infection in which a parasite grows inside, and after about 3/4 of a year, emerges, causing extreme pain. It is recommended that one goes to the hospital to be attended to when the parasite emerges.

friend

trustycoffeemug
(n.) a person one knows and in whose company they may pass pleasurable time. one who is not too zealous in their quest for repayment of borrowed money

the knowledge of friendship can be a source of comfort when the road looks rough ahead and one is miles and miles from their nice warm bed

myth

orikami
(n.) a deep story, which, when measured against literal-mindedness, seems a lie (hence the popular use of the term 'myth' to indicate a falsehood). a story children will ask to hear again and again, not because they are stupid or have low standards, but because they are absorbing cultural and existential patterns.

hear my vow,
I reclaim this term 'myth',
here and now!

(also: vow)
(also: oath)

(also: stake-claiming flag)
(also: flag on the moon)

sign-up or face the consequences!


“"observers" must obey the call.”
join

sign up