n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(adj.) greyish and somber-looking, as from advanced age

one of those words you've got to be pretty careful using

describing the middle class who ascended to prominence and superceded the landed aristocracy in the seventeenth century. they successfully embarrassed their social betters by proving there was a path to success beyond an inborn divine mandate, while selling out the lower class by perpetuating the cycle of labor exploitation.

also their taste in decor leans incontestably toward the brummagem.

a mid tier choir in the angel hierarchy. The middle manager of the middle management among angels. Nestled safely above the 3rd Ranked angels, archangels, and principalities so they aren't as well known those but they don't have to do much of the grunt stuff. But they are beneath the 1st ranks so they only get the word of god second hand. If they get a glimpse of god is it usually because he is meeting with a much cooler hotshot archangel to offer them a position or discuss their performance review in the company. It is common knowledge that if you are looking for a promotion from virtues to 1st Rank, you need to be an archangel.

Humans are bipedal creatures from Earth, and the third most intelligent species on that planet, surpassed only by mice and dolphins.

(n.) the warehouse in which pee is stored before being, shall we say, shipped out for delivery

(n.) a particularly seditious form of vegetable; unlike corn, which is dutifully regimented in rows of stalks, potatoes tend to dwell underground, where they might be up to any kind of subversive activity

still, they can be served a lot of ways and most of them taste pretty good.

a pagan holiday ruined by a christian holiday ruined by commercialism

A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.

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He extracted from his quiver,
Did the controversial Roman,
An argument well fitted
To the question as submitted,
Then addressed it to the liver,
Of the unpersuaded foeman.
—Oglum P. Boomp
(also: sex)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) the extremities on the end of one's hand, usually existing in bunches of four plus an additional one who sort of does his own thing (the thumb). if your brain is working correctly you can make them curl up in order to grab things.

for the obscene hand gesture, see the finger. for the fillets of breaded chicken meat, see chicken finger. for the first really good james bond movie, see goldfinger. for other things called fingers go somewhere else. leave me alone.

(n.) a ferocious little animal hailing from australia. it may have the power to spin around really fast and make disgusting gurgling/snarling noises. it may not. let's just say it does.

A competing or opposing lawyer.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) those who inhabit the netherlands. also the same place as holland, just so there's no confusion

in many ways, the luckiest and the dankest people in the world

A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all — for which mean economy they will indubitably be damned.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.

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The pig is taught by sermons and epistles
To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.
—Judibras

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See MOLECULE.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation — Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentleman. Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class — altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct species.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Odd little electronic devices worn around the wrist (or other convenient appendage). The apparent function of these instruments, is to determine the time of day, though their actual suitability for this purpose is somewhat questionable.

The problem is that the process of programming one is so insanely complicated and involves so much stress, anxiety and general irritation, by the time you have actually figured out how to set it to, say, 5:42 p.m. you are much more likely to cut off your hands at the wrists and dispose of them, watch and all, than do something so thick-witted as to actually wear it. For this reason most enlightened regions of the Galaxy have given up on the whole business, and they are now extremely hard to come by.

One of the few remaining civilizations still hanging on to this affectation is the planet Earth, whose ape-descended lifeforms still consider the digital a pretty neat idea.

(also: time)

Originally the ninth month of the year until some Roman jerk decided he wanted to destroy all known naming conventions and slide two extra months in the world's biggest and most successful hold my beer.

(also: Hold My Beer)

(adj.) suffering, as a result of alcohol, from reduced good judgment and impaired sense of balance, but with the positive effect of total immunity from criticism and greater insight into hidden or nonexistent beauty

also (n.) one who frequently and uncontrollably becomes drunk