n. A cap of state wrought into the shape of two crowns, formerly worn by kings. Very pretty monarchs had it made in the form of three crowns.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a place of assembly and worship in wisconsonian religion, in which the sacred duty of milk and cheese production is carried out.

someone who makes shoes. Was that not obvious? Why did you have to look this up? You're not a bright one, are you?

Every German who chugs a beer! Every Zulu with an assegai spear!
Every Chinaman in a junk! Every Mexican in a trunk!
Every Bedouin on a dune! Every Frenchman playing Claire de Lune!
Every Syrian and Kazakhstani! Every Giorgio and his Armani!
Every Spaniard playing second flute! Every Dane, Norwegian and Aleut!
Every single guy who's Aborigine! Every Englishman who's Walter Pidgeon-y
From Hollywood, home of big celebrities- to Vanuatu in the Outer Hebrides!
From New Yorkers eatin' steak tartare! To every friend of Pablo Escobar!
From the Taiwanese and Cuban Petes, to the Russians with their soup of beets
Every Tamil, Tatar, Thai, Tibetan; everybody else that we're forgettin'
Everyone from Niger, Tonga, Bali; the French Sudan which is now called Mali
Everybody up in Katmandu! Every Canadian, cuz we're there too
Every Tajikistani with a yak! Every Bolivian in a sack!
Every caner in Singapore! Everybody who's really sore!
Every Turk in a Teaneck diner, or South African diamond miner
Every gypsy playin' finger cymbals! Everyone who ever shopped at Gimble's
We are there.

(n.) an Australian creature similar to a dog; it rejects the human partnership of its domestic cousin in favor of a life of eating babies

A benighted person who prefers home-made deities and indigenous religious rites.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n) A convenient excuse for the Almighty to shirk their divine duties and leave humanity to their own devices. One can only imagine the heavenly distractions that must be more important than answering prayers or intervening in earthly affairs. Perhaps God is binge-watching a new series on Netflix or indulging in a celestial spa day. Either way, mere mortals will have to wait until God returns to their desk to handle the backlog of requests. In the meantime, humans may have to resort to solving their own problems, like adults.

(also: creation of the universe)

Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

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We must awake Man's spirit from its sin,
And take some special measure for redeeming it;
Though hard indeed the task to get it in
Among the angels any way but teaming it,
Or purify it otherwise than steaming it.
I'm awkward at Redemption — a beginner:
My method is to crucify the sinner.
—Golgo Brone
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

according to encyclopedia galactica

institutionalized social system in which men dominate over others.

Sky water that makes your already bad day even worse

adj. Conforming a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.

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It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence.
—Gooke's Meditations

(also: moral backsliding)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) an insectivorous animal no doubt brimming with resentment about the aardvark.

(also: aardvark)

(phrase) The ingenious defense strategy employed by academically challenged individuals when faced with unfinished assignments. A whimsical excuse that taps into the profound appetite of canines for academic knowledge, transforming homework into a delectable delicacy. The phenomenon amuses teachers, inspires disbelief, and perpetuates the legend of scholarly pups with insatiable appetites.


(also: homework)
(also: student)
(also: teacher)

Internet royalty who wields godlike powers of charity and clickbait.

A website that allows you to connect with people you barely remember from high school.

(1469 – 1527) Italian diplomat and Renaissance writer considered the father of political science.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: niccolo machiavelli quotes)

(n.) the red-tinted stepchild of precious metals, a mutt born of wanton copper and petulant, abrasive tin.

ever in the shadow of its more accomplished siblings gold and silver, bronze lived an unromantic yet functional existence as a material for weaponcrafting, until it reached high school in the 13th century and was bullied out of existence by steel

Odd little electronic devices worn around the wrist (or other convenient appendage). The apparent function of these instruments, is to determine the time of day, though their actual suitability for this purpose is somewhat questionable.

The problem is that the process of programming one is so insanely complicated and involves so much stress, anxiety and general irritation, by the time you have actually figured out how to set it to, say, 5:42 p.m. you are much more likely to cut off your hands at the wrists and dispose of them, watch and all, than do something so thick-witted as to actually wear it. For this reason most enlightened regions of the Galaxy have given up on the whole business, and they are now extremely hard to come by.

One of the few remaining civilizations still hanging on to this affectation is the planet Earth, whose ape-descended lifeforms still consider the digital a pretty neat idea.

(also: time)

a person who likes some foods and dislikes others, as a profession

(384 BC – 322 BC) – Greek philosopher and polymath
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: aristotle quotes)