An animal that will be amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw.

(also: tin opener)

Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.

(n.) an evasive and ambiguous phrase used in lieu of a direct and to-the-point phrase, for the sake of tact

An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) one with admirable qualities worthy of emulation and laudable achievement, like being a main character; one who is not a zero

not a greek sandwich

time is an illusion
lunchtime doubly so

Fourth reich. a soft one
(also: decline of testosterone levels)


(also: eu)

(noun):
Hilariously disastrous stories that make you question humanity's ability to navigate the simplest of tasks, like opening a door or using a toaster without setting the house on fire.

(also: tales from pizza guy)

n. A person who goes to the capital of his country to increase his own; one who makes laws and money.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Place to sweat and beat oneself with a birch whip. You're probably doing it wrong. If you want to do it right, move to Finland.

a long, brown-furred, small carnivorous animal valued for it's dark black fur

(n.) planet earth's seventh continent, as long as one decides to list it seventh while counting, and which is not a continent, technically speaking (it's just australia, which *is* a continent, and all the other places in the pacific that don't belong to any others)

in addition to australia, oceania is usually considered to include
* micronesia (including kiribati, resting comfortably right on the international date line)
* melanesia (including papua new guinea and, like... I guess some places they might have used for filming in "survivor." anyone remember that show?)
* and polynesia (including new zealand, hawaii, samoa, and the delightful statue heads at easter island)

No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader.

(adj.) beautiful and desirable due to being different from that which is boringly familiar

(n.) the skin of a pig

this entry would have been funnier if you had read ham and pork first. i guess that's your problem.

Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whisky.

---

Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind
Saw death before, hell and the grave behind;
Whom thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay —
His small belongings their appointed prey;
Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,
Persuaded elsewhere every little while!
His fire unquenched and his undying worm
By "land in severalty" (charming term!)
Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,
And he to his new holding anchored fast!

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a reptilian animal that was at the back of the queue when evolution was handing out limbs

(n.) dough that's been shaped into long strands. a most versatile form of food.

supposedly invented by the chinese and then introduced to italians by marco polo. this supposition is untrue, but everyone will still say it anyway so you might as well

(also: pasta)

A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

Vain, conceited, as "a pretty girl." Tiresome, as "a pretty picture."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)