(n.) a pattern of behaviour that demeans, weakens, demoralizes the soul. something that strengthens one's belief in a real-but-not-true passivity towards one's circumstances.
(also: real but not true)
n. A descendant of Levi, from whose posterity the Lord ordained all the Jewish priests — an instance of nepotism deserving of the severest censure, as incompatible with free institutions and the principle of civil and religious equality.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.
"It were no more than right," said he,
"That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize —
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have? — although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to bawl
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
—Edam Smith
(also: donald trump)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
The Enemy of Human Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of late,
And was a sovereign Southern State.
"It were no more than right," said he,
"That I should get my fuel free.
The duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me to economize —
Whereby my broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would they have? — although I yearn
To do them nicely to a turn,
I can't afford an honest heat.
This tariff makes even devils cheat!
I'm ruined, and my humble trade
All rascals may at will invade:
Beneath my nose the public press
Outdoes me in sulphureousness;
The bar ingeniously applies
To my undoing my own lies;
My medicines the doctors use
(Albeit vainly) to refuse
To me my fair and rightful prey
And keep their own in shape to pay;
The preachers by example teach
What, scorning to perform, I preach;
And statesmen, aping me, all make
More promises than they can break.
Against such competition I
Lift up a disregarded cry.
Since all ignore my just complaint,
By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"
Now, the Republicans, who all
Are saints, began at once to bawl
Against his competition; so
There was a devil of a go!
They locked horns with him, tête-à-tête
In acrimonious debate,
Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had hopes of coming by their own.
That evil to avert, in haste
The two belligerents embraced;
But since 'twere wicked to relax
A tittle of the Sacred Tax,
'Twas finally agreed to grant
The bold Insurgent-protestant
A bounty on each soul that fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
—Edam Smith
(also: donald trump)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(n.) An intoxicant distilled primarily from fermented grain mash, whisky is a catalyst for terrible decision making, stupidity and easily avoided injuries when consumed. This is generally referred to as "having a good time".
(n.) to claim service from another on the threat of publicly revealing embarrassing or harmful information; the term is often regarded as a harsh, harsh word by blackmailers
A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.
Juno drank a cup of nectar,
But the draught did not affect her.
Juno drank a cup of rye —
Then she bade herself good-bye.
—J.G.
Juno drank a cup of nectar,
But the draught did not affect her.
Juno drank a cup of rye —
Then she bade herself good-bye.
—J.G.
(n.) that which follows the dissolution or destruction of government authority; like most philosophical things, we are assured it would be really cool if we did it correctly next time
A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(n.) 1) the carnal realization of one's lascivious, most burning and animal of desires, usually in private environs to hide such dark passions from the disapproving eyes of prudish society
generally agreed by experts to not be all it's cracked up to be.
2) a trait that determines one's role in the reproductive process: male, female, or spectator. different from gender; get over it.
generally agreed by experts to not be all it's cracked up to be.
2) a trait that determines one's role in the reproductive process: male, female, or spectator. different from gender; get over it.
(also: god)
The Great Creator
Otherwise known as "Some guy trying to do his dissertation".
The wonders you see before you were created during undergraduate study of English and Contemporary Media in Cardiff Metropolitan University.
The wily little git managed to worm his way out of writing 10,000 words for a dissertation, but got more than he bargained for when he took on this ridiculous project.
He is quoted as saying:
"Creating universes is hard work, I've no idea how all those other deities manage it!"
What an arse.
The Great Creator
Otherwise known as "Some guy trying to do his dissertation".
The wonders you see before you were created during undergraduate study of English and Contemporary Media in Cardiff Metropolitan University.
The wily little git managed to worm his way out of writing 10,000 words for a dissertation, but got more than he bargained for when he took on this ridiculous project.
He is quoted as saying:
"Creating universes is hard work, I've no idea how all those other deities manage it!"
What an arse.
The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies' Home Journal, is much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character.
Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies' Home Journal, is much respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character.
(n.) basically a small pork chop.
dying is part of life
(n.) a contradiction that, once really accepted and explored and understood, reveals a deeper truth. but, as they say, it's turtles all the way down, so don't get cocky now. your deeper truth probably (99.9999% of the time) leans on an even deeper truth.
(also: koan)
(also: thesis-antithesis-synthesis)
(also: turtles all the way down)
(also: koan)
(also: thesis-antithesis-synthesis)
(also: turtles all the way down)
A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water version of the Fourth Commandment:
Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,
And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,
And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine ordinance.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
(also: death)
(also: death)
An emotion engendered by something advantageous to one's self or disastrous to others. In the plural this word signifies those mostly artificial aids to melancholy that deepen the general gloom of existence with a particular dejection.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
Fortunate are those who have drunk from its chalice without having their souls offended or poisoned. If one such person exists, I urge them to send me their photograph. I'm sure to look upon the face of an idiot.
The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.
We know by one's reading
His learning and breeding;
By what draws his laughter
We know his Hereafter.
Read nothing, laugh never —
The Sphinx was less clever!
—Jupiter Muke
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
We know by one's reading
His learning and breeding;
By what draws his laughter
We know his Hereafter.
Read nothing, laugh never —
The Sphinx was less clever!
—Jupiter Muke
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
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