(n.) a big fancy piano sort of thing that you can play. alternatively, a series of meatsacks within your body which are used to play you.

n. The mummy of a pig embalmed in brine. To "save one's bacon" is to narrowly escape some particular woman, or other peril.

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By heaven forsaken,
By Justice o'ertaken,
He saved his bacon
By cutting a single slice of it;
For 'twas cut from the throat,
And we venture to quote
Death, hell and the grave as the price of it.
—S. F. Journal of Commerce


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(1578 – 3 June 1657) English physician who made contributions to understanding how blood circulated in the body.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: william harvey quotes)

Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

In financial affairs, to contribute to the development of a transfer company — one that transfers money from the pocket of the investor to that of the promoter.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) the act of keeping 'our kind of people' separate from 'not our kind of people.' widely regarded as a bad move and has made many people upset

(also: apartheid)

The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.

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"There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man,
"To read the mind's construction in the face."
The physiognomists his portrait scan,
And say: "How little wisdom here we trace!
He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart,
So, in his own defence, denied our art."
—Lavatar Shunk
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals — these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter is due to the instantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he names the disorder Convulsio spargens.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A place where criminal lets you know he's sorry.

that which occurs when the other shoe finally drops, and that shoe sets off an elaborate rube goldberg device that culminates with your balls being snapped in a mousetrap hold-down bar. so to speak.
(also: consequence)

"situational comedy"

a televisual narrative entertainment program which purports to place identifiable yet idiosyncratic characters into comedic situations. one of the means by which television executives drain your life force, but alas, never say no one told you life was gonna be this way.

(adj.) being thus and no other.
free. total.

(also: purify)
(also: purgе)
(also: purgatory)

(n.) an viewing device whose leisure delights are used to treat psychological problems such as independent thought, lack of apathy, and concern with the outside world

A supervillain who is currently building an army of intelligence vehicles named Tesla.

(1473-1543) Renaissance mathematician and astronomer who believed Sun was the centre of the Universe – rather than earth.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: nicolaus copernicus quotes)

an 1881 novel written by mary shelley. arguably one of the earliest known works of science fiction and the origin point for one of fiction's greatest monsters, nobody has read it, because there's a more popular movie.

the plot concerns an obsessive doctor who believes he can synthesize his own life form, but upon doing so, he fails to raise it properly, leading to a very bad wedding, an expedition to the north pole, and many ponderous philosophical arguments.

differences from the source material: in the book, the monster was motivated by revenge outright, and was pretty chatty. since the 1931 movie, people have thought of frankenstein's monster as a voiceless, child-brained hulk who doesn't fully realize the consequences of his own actions.

to be absolutely clear, the monster is not named frankenstein. the monster is never given a name. but we can call him dave, if you like. in any case he is widely acknowledged as one of the all-time groovy ghoulies, like dracula and the wolf man

(n.) the extremities on the end of one's hand, usually existing in bunches of four plus an additional one who sort of does his own thing (the thumb). if your brain is working correctly you can make them curl up in order to grab things.

for the obscene hand gesture, see the finger. for the fillets of breaded chicken meat, see chicken finger. for the first really good james bond movie, see goldfinger. for other things called fingers go somewhere else. leave me alone.

Dumb and illiterate.
(also: truth)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(noun phrase) A whirlwind of nerves, anticipation, and boundless enthusiasm as a teacher steps into the classroom for the very first time. It's a symphony of introductions, establishing authority, and setting the stage for a year of growth. Excitement mingles with jitters as the teacher navigates a delicate balance of creating a welcoming environment, building connections with students, and conveying a passion for learning. It's a pivotal moment, a blank canvas waiting to be filled with knowledge, inspiration, and the joy of discovery.

(also: i left my textbook at home)