when someone cancels plans you've made together and you realize you now have some free time to yourself.

(also: introvert)

(n.) a thief, plunderer, and brigand who is afforded more than the usual amount of respect and acclaim because their various offenses are performed while on a boat

Is the time when you realize that you wasted your entire life,and that you are a horrible person,and the biggest loser in the world,and that no one will remember you after your death and schools will call you the biggest loser in the entire human history and will teach student how not to be like you.

A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.

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His understanding was so keen
That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,
He could interpret without fail
If he was in or out of jail.
He wrote at Inspiration's call
Deep disquisitions on them all,
Then, pent at last in an asylum,
Performed the service to compile 'em.
So great a writer, all men swore,
They never had not read before.
—Jorrock Wormley
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Relative elevation in the scale of human worth.

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He held at court a rank so high
That other noblemen asked why.
"Because," 'twas answered, "others lack
His skill to scratch the royal back."
—Aramis Jukes

(also: governing people)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.
Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,
Where the cobbler is unknown,
So that I might forget his last
And hear your own.
—Gargo Repsky

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig — Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome,
Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.
—Borey the Bald
(also: airbus)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a ground beef sandwich requiring a special dome-shaped bread packaging.

may also include ingredients like special sauce, lettuce, cheese pickles, onions and sesame seeds. occasionally you get more exotic toppings thrown on as well. but some claim this is just playing silly burgers.

A place where you ponder life's philosophical questions becomes a rock star and daydream.

Fortunate are those who have drunk from its chalice without having their souls offended or poisoned. If one such person exists, I urge them to send me their photograph. I'm sure to look upon the face of an idiot.

Butcher
(also: butcher)

(1822 – 1895) French biologist. Developed a cure for rabies and other infectious diseases.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: louis pasteur quotes)

adj. Less objectionable.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The point in the heavens directly overhead to a standing man or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the matter there was once a considerable dissent among the learned, some holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its place among fides defuncti.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

in a psychological state of turmoil that you should shut up about.

a politician who is both good and bad, which is worse than bad, because it messes up your classification scheme.

The place where the most people in the world talk trash about the military, but also the place where the most people in the world are married to military members, or professional affiliates.

(also: divorce rate)

(n.) without hair; the condition of baldness in human men is often taken as a sign of dignified maturity, or at least that's what bald men are repeatedly assured

(n.) the warehouse in which pee is stored before being, shall we say, shipped out for delivery