(interjection) An exclamation of frustration or desperation, often uttered by computer users experiencing technical difficulties. The phrase is a humorous adaptation of the Christian prayer "Jesus take the wheel," which implores Jesus to take control and guide one's life in a positive direction. In the context of computer problems, the speaker is similarly invoking divine intervention to resolve the issue at hand. However, it is unclear whether Jesus has any particular expertise in computer repair, or if he is simply being asked to take over out of a sense of desperation. Nevertheless, the phrase has become a popular meme in online communities, serving as a humorous expression of the exasperation many feel when confronted with malfunctioning technology.

(n.) the closest thing to god that humanity has yet created, and very likely to destroy us some time in the future. the internet is like a vast beehive of information of which computers are mere waxy cells.

according to legend, the heart of the internet is a gigantic central server built into a volcano, guarded by armies of orcs in little button-down shirts and maybe al gore or something

n. A vulgarian's name for a woman. A Lieutenant-Governor of California and Warden of the State Prison once reported the number of prisoners under his care as "931 males and 27 ladies."

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

archimedes of syracuse (287-212 BC) was perhaps the greatest mathematical mind of his day. a student of the mouseion of alexandria, archimedes returned to his home city of syracuse to become an inventor of great renown.

he is reputed to be the originator of the theory of fluid displacement (and, related, an early critic of your primitive notions of modesty), a quick and consistent calculation method for the volume of a sphere, the archimedes screw (not a sex act, a means of pumping water), and possibly even a death ray he used on roman invaders.

in 212 BC archimedes was supposedly killed by a roman legionary who had been instructed to find the great mathematician and bring him before his commander, marcellus. while this legionary looked for his quarry, he stumbled upon a scruffy old man drawing circles in the sand; the old man snapped at the legionary not to scuff his circles, and was killed for his impertinence. naturally the old man turned out to have been archimedes. heh. cosmic irony.

Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.

has toe beans
(also: toe beans)

In the manner of a traveling railroad magnate.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

v.i. to treat with merited indifference the landlord's notification that he has let his house to a party willing to pay.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance to Dionysus, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and more like a goat.
(also: mythology)

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

political advocacy for the rights of men that can disguise itself as a parody when threatened.

To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

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'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed
A true renunciation
Of title, rank and every kind
Of military station —
Each honorable station.

By his example fired — inclined
To noble emulation,
The country humbly was resigned
To Leonard's resignation —
His Christian resignation.
—Politian Greame
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(1564 – 1642) Italian scientist – confirmed the heliocentric view of the universe.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: galileo galilei quotes)

(n.) a person one knows and in whose company they may pass pleasurable time. one who is not too zealous in their quest for repayment of borrowed money

the knowledge of friendship can be a source of comfort when the road looks rough ahead and one is miles and miles from their nice warm bed

adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon — that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.

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The man who writes in Saxon
Is the man to use an ax on.
—Judibras

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a peculiar life form that clings to the gutters of houses and is able to remain incredibly still.

also the best cartoon disney ever did

Among the Greeks a coffin which, being made of a certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art.
(also: art)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

grown-up word for umbrella step

The most acceptable hypocrisy.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
― Helen Keller
(also: happiness)

Someone who spends his life drunk half of the time, while either sleeping or getting drunk the other half.

(also: Me)
(also: Drunk)