Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
He lived in a period prehistoric,

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When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.
Born later, when Clio, celestial recorder,
Set down great events in succession and order,
He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.
—Orpheus Bowen
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) what some wise-ass came up with when he was asked to design a horseless carriage.

someone who doesn't believe my accusations of wrongdoing, and thereby sees the wrongdoing as right

sitting on a moving truck-car on a seat covered with hay not because you enjoy it but because you're not going to let fall pass by without once sitting on a moving truck-car on a seat covered with hay

n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) an insectivorous animal that exists primarily to be the first entry in dictionaries.

(n.) a peon; a lowly goombah; a low-ranking catspaw; a lackey; an errand boy; a mook

When have brevity, mean fast

n. In Theology, a miscreant who does his thinking at home instead of putting it out. He is regarded by the priesthood and clergy with the same aversion that a barber feels for the man who shaves himself.



(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a freedom fighter who works with the bad guys.

(also: freedom fighter)

fleshy beings made of meat that somehow conquered and tame a planet full of creatures that eat things made of meat. Also their meat is called Long Pork.

The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.
(also: bypasses)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) the practice of expressing concern over the welfare of one's natural environment, for the ultimate goal of being able to say "I told you so"

A magical device for sedentary lifestyle enthusiasts that lovingly cushions your butt cheeks, like the babysitter your parents threatened to kill.
(also: enthusiasts)
(also: cushions)
(also: babysitter)

(n.)(also: problem)

(noun):
The noble act of toiling tirelessly and sacrificing precious moments of life in pursuit of success, while inadvertently fueling the relentless machinery of capitalism.


(also: success)
(also: best military cadences)

euclid was a student of the great mouseion ("temple of the muses") in alexandria, like his later successor archimedes. among his many impressive scholarly works was a treatise outlining the four elements of the natural world.

of course, as any modern schoolchild knows, there are hundreds of natural elements, demonstrating that even a brilliant man like euclid was ultimately an ignorant savage in the grand scheme of things. suck it, old man.

a game where you wait in line, shoot a basketball, get back in line, shoot again, nope, you missed, now wait for the next game.

n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination — free, lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might say — a mere reporter. He may invent his characters and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we have is "The Thousand and One Nights."
(also: marriage)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)