n. a process by which several legal professionals argue with each other with an older legal professional serving as referee in order to convince a small group of people who couldn't talk themselves out of jury duty that one legal professional is more correct than the other.
the place we take ourselves when we refuse much needed help
(n.) a place for a judge to decide who wins an argument and who has to pay what to whom. 2) in medieval times, a body of officials, retainers, servants, ministers, and assorted other lickspittles who attend on a king or lord
(v.) to attempt strategically to persuade another to have sex with you
(v.) to attempt strategically to persuade another to have sex with you
The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
(also: freedom)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(also: freedom)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
a belief that Jesus will return for 1000 years of paradise, after which He will say "that was great, but I gotta go", leaving us to spend the rest of eternity in our wretched godlessness.
Slang for a penis.
n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basis of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion — thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore —
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore —
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division at Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division at Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
Florida is a state in us,settled by florida man.
(also: color)
(n.) it's a funny story, you've probably heard the idiom "hoist by your own petard," meaning "have your actions backfire on you," and you might have assumed a petard was some kind of garment or something. but actually a petard is a kind of bomb. the saying is "blown up by your own bomb"
(american) an american variation of football, refined to have even more complicated rules so that the on-field action becomes even more slow and excruciating. while nobody in recorded history actually knows how this game is played, and americans are too embarrassed to admit it, it seems to involve large men trying to dogpile each other while a pig's bladder is thrown out of bounds.
phrase used to get you to stop repeating the joke
A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
Anyone not from 'round these parts. And we don't like those types 'round here.
(n.) bit at the front or top of many life forms-, where the brain is kept.
among the reasonable, the head is said to be good upon the owner's shoulders; among the infatuated, it is said to be beneath their heels; one who is in the throes of panic has lost their head; and so on. clearly matters of head are quite culturally significant
among the reasonable, the head is said to be good upon the owner's shoulders; among the infatuated, it is said to be beneath their heels; one who is in the throes of panic has lost their head; and so on. clearly matters of head are quite culturally significant
(c 563 – 483 BC) Spiritual Teacher and founder of Buddhism.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: buddha quotes)
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: buddha quotes)
One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.
As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased
To fix itself upon a part diseased
Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,
It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,
So the base sycophant with joy descries
His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,
Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,
Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.
Gelasma, if it paid you to devote
Your talent to the service of a goat,
Showing by forceful logic that its beard
Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;
If to the task of honoring its smell
Profit had prompted you, and love as well,
The world would benefit at last by you
And wealthy malefactors weep anew —
Your favor for a moment's space denied
And to the nobler object turned aside.
Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires
Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,
Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly
To safer villainies of darker dye,
Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,
To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread
May see you groveling their boots to lick
And begging for the favor of a kick?
Still must you follow to the bitter end
Your sycophantic disposition's trend,
And in your eagerness to please the rich
Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?
In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,
And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer!
What's Satan done that him you should eschew?
He too is reeking rich — deducting you.
As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased
To fix itself upon a part diseased
Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,
It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,
So the base sycophant with joy descries
His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,
Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,
Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.
Gelasma, if it paid you to devote
Your talent to the service of a goat,
Showing by forceful logic that its beard
Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;
If to the task of honoring its smell
Profit had prompted you, and love as well,
The world would benefit at last by you
And wealthy malefactors weep anew —
Your favor for a moment's space denied
And to the nobler object turned aside.
Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires
Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,
Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly
To safer villainies of darker dye,
Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,
To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread
May see you groveling their boots to lick
And begging for the favor of a kick?
Still must you follow to the bitter end
Your sycophantic disposition's trend,
And in your eagerness to please the rich
Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?
In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,
And sing hosannas to great Havemeyer!
What's Satan done that him you should eschew?
He too is reeking rich — deducting you.
The soul mate of a sad moth,and you separated them.
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