n. In architecture, the upper part of a column, upon which, in all good architecture, sits the thoughtful stork pondering unutterable things.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

1st meal of the day... Unless you have a pre-breakfast snack!

(also: bacon)

A human between the age of 0 and 12 is considered a child. These creatures are also known as: “Devil”, “Asspain” & “Brats”

In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
(also: cats)

ultimate cure for internet boredom and depression epidemic

What's normal anyways?
(also: life)
(also: the universe)
(also: humans)

(noun):maybe

Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbé Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, as is popularly supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name — Xristos. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary
(also: xbox)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

the last year

(also: year)

n. (Reporterese.) Milk.

(also: milk)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

the status of a man who, out of nothing more than the goodness of his heart, acts with politeness and kindness towards those whom he wants to have sex with

a logical fallacy where I don't follow

A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

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Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,
Took Madam P. to table,
And there deliriously fed
As fast as he was able.

"I dote upon good grub," he cried,
Intent upon its throatage.
"Ah, yes," said the neglected bride,
"You're in your table d'hôtage."
—Associated Poets
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The literary sloven's word for "virtually."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.
(also: trash)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a tiny little insect that compensates for its shrimpiness with endless reinforcements. attracted to exposed foodstuffs, some of the more vicious varieties bite. known also for its monarchist sympathies

(v.) the act of desperately trying to salvage a plan that has gone horribly awry

(n.) a figment of one's conscious mind that rates the moral consequences of one's actions; the central aim of civilization is learning that the conscience's dictates cannot be ignored, and thus must be more cleverly circumvented