(n.) sweet tempered animal whose various subspecies are spread across the continents of africa and asia, where they are regrettably endangered and fight a daily battle against extinction. morphologically resembles an anteater crossed with a pine cone.

Mars (aka the Red Planet) is a planet in the solar system colored red by Iron Oxide, and is home to the largest volcano in the solar system, Olympus Mons, as well as one of the largest canyons in the solar system, Valles Marineris. Mars has two moons, Phobos and Deimos.

A dead Quaker.

In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.

(n.) licensed grave robbery, carried out by the more rugged and outdoorsy variety of academic. But not quite as rugged or outdoorsy as you're thinking.

(n.) a fruit hailing from southeast asia and oceania, known for its beguilingly-elongated, whimsically-curved shape, and the ease with which its rind can be removed. actually neither of those qualities exists within natural, grown-in-the-wild bananas; both were engineered into the fruit by godless human meddling.

common cartoon knowledge holds the banana to be a favorite repast of the monkey.

A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the abstemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-soda-guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

There are only two tragedies in life. One is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.
(also: life)
(also: getting what you want)

the roman world was in a mess; the emperor caused no end of stress
then in the year four-forty-one, there came this guy, attila the hun
run away! Here comes attila
flee today! he'll sack your villa
can't you see? he's come to kill ya
swipe your bed, and then your pilla
attila was a nasty king; he and his huns wrecked everything
he lived by arson and the sword, burned down france cuz he got bored
run away! here comes attila
far away! go to manilla
kills more people than godzilla
swipes your sheets and then your pilla
to a wedding attila went, looking sharp like a hunnish gent
made a quick speech, went to bed; very next morning, was found dead
fare thee well, goodbye attila
bury him deep neath the rolling hillas
he wore shorts made of chinchilla
his favorite ice cream was strawberry

To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

the minutia in a debate that is what it is you're arguing about

(n.) basically a small pork chop.

(n.) the stuff that makes a great man or woman.
(v.) "I will my life forward." "I will (to) keep my promises."

(also: willing)
(also: voluntary)
(also: volition)

v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

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As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
—Judibras

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Is a breed of human that chooses to identify in society" as people who play video games"

(also: sex); a more sophisticated word for the same

that which occurs between two people who love each other very much, or alternatively if they just sort of liked each other, or even if they despised each other but were particularly drunk, lonely or desperate for affection.

"you're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!"

-a carefully crafted insult intended to describe one whose appearance might be called grabastic

n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

when someone cancels plans you've made together and you realize you now have some free time to yourself.

(also: introvert)