(n.) a real go-getter of a communicable disease

One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity (macrobiosis) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of The American, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were written by a macrobian:

---

When I was young the world was fair
And amiable and sunny.
A brightness was in all the air,
In all the waters, honey.
The jokes were fine and funny,
The statesmen honest in their views,
And in their lives, as well,
And when you heard a bit of news
'Twas true enough to tell.
Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking,
Nor women "generally speaking."

The Summer then was long indeed:
It lasted one whole season!
The sparkling Winter gave no heed
When ordered by Unreason
To bring the early peas on.
Now, where the dickens is the sense
In calling that a year
Which does no more than just commence
Before the end is near?
When I was young the year extended
From month to month until it ended.

I know not why the world has changed
To something dark and dreary,
And everything is now arranged
To make a fellow weary.
The Weather Man — I fear he
Has much to do with it, for, sure,
The air is not the same:
It chokes you when it is impure,
When pure it makes you lame.
With windows closed you are asthmatic;
Open, neuralgic or sciatic.

Well, I suppose this new régime
Of dun degeneration
Seems eviler than it would seem
To a better observation,
And has for compensation
Some blessings in a deep disguise
Which mortal sight has failed
To pierce, although to angels' eyes
They're visibly unveiled.
If Age is such a boon, good land!
He's costumed by a master hand!
—Venable Strigg

(n.) just look at this bad boy: it's a bad way to live, *and* a book at the very same time!
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34466958-bullshit-jobs

a government composed of poopyheads

(n.) a life form whose insurance wouldn't cover the dinged-up genetic code.

(adj.) full to and over the brim.
spilling over the rim.
defying the container and its boundaries, and entering the world.

(n.) a thing to be kept the hell away from me. no, seriously. put me within a yard of that thing and I'm not liable for whatever happens to you during my evacuation.

(n.) a big dumb animal occasionally handy for riding. extremely vulnerable to death by overfeeding, underfeeding, overworking, and minor leg injuries

A form of penance practiced by the medieval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice.

(also: god)

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(v.) to have a wandering conversation that allows you to get to know another person more deeply.
https://www.yarning.com.au/what-is-yarning
(also: australian)

yarning vs. waffling
(also: waffling)

(n.) elongated fragments of potato that have had the nutritional value fried and salted out of them. a highly accessible food sold in many venues as a side dish

playfully referred to as "french fries," though our best intelligence suggests they may have come from belgium instead (they may also be called "freedom fries" if the french are going through a period of significant unpopularity)

n. The collective body of the writings of all mankind, excepting Hubert Howe Bancroft and AdairWelcker. Theirs are Illiterature.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

a man who has never won an oscar despite deserving it more than all the other oscar-winners combined.

yes, i said it. i'd say it again, too.

A form of incantation to conjure up a hope that is to be exorcised later by inattention.

❝are bad❞

The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naïvely asked his tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(noun):
The noble act of toiling tirelessly and sacrificing precious moments of life in pursuit of success, while inadvertently fueling the relentless machinery of capitalism.


(also: success)
(also: best military cadences)

(n.) a shape defined by a round flat base tapering into a narrow point, determined by mathematicians to be the ideal shape for edible ice cream holsters and traffic markers

not to be confused with koan

The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

the ancient chinese art of mystical housekeeping