n. A follower of Achilles — particularly when he didn't lead.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

In America the chief executive office of a county, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.

---

John Elmer Pettibone Cajee
(I write of him with little glee)
Was just as bad as he could be.

'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!
The sun has never looked upon
So bad a man as Neighbor John."

A sinner through and through, he had
This added fault: it made him mad
To know another man was bad.

In such a case he thought it right
To rise at any hour of night
And quench that wicked person's light.

Despite the town's entreaties, he
Would hale him to the nearest tree
And leave him swinging wide and free.

Or sometimes, if the humor came,
A luckless wight's reluctant frame
Was given to the cheerful flame.

While it was turning nice and brown,
All unconcerned John met the frown
Of that austere and righteous town.

"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he
So scornful of the law should be —
An anar c, h, i, s, t."

(That is the way that they preferred
To utter the abhorrent word,
So strong the aversion that it stirred.)

"Resolved," they said, continuing,
"That Badman John must cease this thing
Of having his unlawful fling.

"Now, by these sacred relics" — here
Each man had out a souvenir
Got at a lynching yesteryear —

"By these we swear he shall forsake
His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache
By sins of rope and torch and stake.

"We'll tie his red right hand until
He'll have small freedom to fulfil
The mandates of his lawless will."

So, in convention then and there,
They named him Sheriff. The affair
Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
—J. Milton Sloluck


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by many of the elder zoölogists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greenland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolf-man) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its movements, especially the American variety (felis pugnans), is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.
—Balthasar Pober
(also: man)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a really big fat rock that floats around in space, but is stuck orbiting around another bigger and fatter rock.

(also: planet)

conducive to monetary gain

To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
(also: the universe)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a merry-go-round; a carnival attraction consisting of a large round gazebo, rotating slowly as it emits menacing calliope music, and filled with petrified and impaled animals on which merrymakers are invited to ride.

condition that exists when your baby does not hurt you no more. that which you cannot hurry and does not come easy; a game of give and take. can be experienced as a funny feeling that winds you up inside every time we touch. to be honest i don't know what love is... but i want you to show me.

A book full of symbols that explain other symbols so the symbols that explain the symbols can have some meaning.

(noun) The ancient art of combining two numerical beasts to create a mathematical monster. Often accompanied by confused looks, sweaty brows, and mild panic attacks. The process involves strategically placing numbers side by side and hoping for the best.

Lets say 47 + 69

Adding two-digit numbers is like having a race between a tortoise and a hare. The tortoise represents the tens place (4 in 47), and the hare represents the ones place (7 in 47).

First, the hare quickly hops over to the hare from the other number, which is 6. Now the hare is at 13, but it gets tired and goes back to the starting line. Meanwhile, the tortoise steadily crawls over to the other tortoise, which is 6. Now the tortoise is at 10.

At this point, the tortoise looks over and sees the hare at 13. The tortoise realizes it needs to catch up. So, it takes one more step, reaching 11, and then another step, reaching 12, and finally one more step, reaching 13.

Now, both the tortoise and the hare are at 13! They crossed the finish line together, and that's the answer to 47 + 69. The total is 116.

Just like the tortoise and the hare, each digit takes its own path to meet up, and when they finally do, you get the sum of the two numbers!

(also: Area of circle)
(also: Pythagorean theorem)
(also: Algebraic equations)
(also: Fractions and decimals)

(n.) a gregarious, trusting equine creature hailing from south africa in appearance halfway between being a horse and a zebra.

as of 1883, extinct, having been systematically wiped out by the destructive thoughtlessness of humankind. real nice.

A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.

[warning: under construction]

(also: office cubicle monotony)


(link is not broken, though it appears to be)

(also: y2k panic)

(also: Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
(also: Cowboy Bebop)

an ever increasing field that threatens to consume all unless someone comes up with a solution but that is someone else's problem…oh god it is already here.

(n.) a fruit hailing from southeast asia and oceania, known for its beguilingly-elongated, whimsically-curved shape, and the ease with which its rind can be removed. actually neither of those qualities exists within natural, grown-in-the-wild bananas; both were engineered into the fruit by godless human meddling.

common cartoon knowledge holds the banana to be a favorite repast of the monkey.

(n.) a real go-getter of a communicable disease

(n.) like flavor but for fundamental properties of matter

(noun): A game of numbers in which the winner is the one who accumulates the most imaginary points, while convincing others that these points actually have value.

(also: business world)

Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
(also: reason)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)