(n.) the life of every party, a light source dressed up with an attractive fabric covering. consider adopting a lamp today.

(n.) one afflicted by madness or frenzy; one who dances like they've never danced before

A rumor. The sound of a firearm.

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"Why did you not march to my relief, sir?" said General Ewell to the commander of one of his divisions. "Did you not hear the report of my guns?"
"Well, yes, General, I did hear that report, but I did not believe it."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a large group of people, probably foreigners, to whom the logical reaction is senseless panic
(also: panic)

(n.) professional term for a bruisey kind of boo-boo

of an environment in which people sometimes say things that aren't true, especially in regards to my political opponents

Bill Nye Day (n.) a kind of day when you don't feel like doing your job. When you walk into the classroom and the TV is in the room and lights are off, you know it's going to be a bill nye day. Bill Nye is a kid's show scientist, which many only watched in school on these kind of days.

The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-morality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:

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TO MY PET TORTOISE

My friend, you are not graceful — not at all;
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
A certain firmness — mostly you're backbone.

Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
Are virtues that the great know how to use —

I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
You lack — excuse my mentioning it — Soul.

So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
I'd rather you were I than I were you.

Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
When Man's extinct, a better world may see

Your progeny in power and control,
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

So I salute you as a reptile grand
Predestined to regenerate the land.

Father of Possibilities, O deign
To accept the homage of a dying reign!

In the far region of the unforeknown
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

I see an Emperor his head withdraw
Into his carapace for fear of Law;

A King who carries something else than fat,
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;

A President not strenuously bent
On punishment of audible dissent —

Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

Subjects and citizens that feel no need
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
My glorious testudinous régime!

I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
(also: god)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) an intense windstorm which forms around a low pressure front over warm tropical water.

generally sent by divine providence to shake florida up every once in a while, when things have gotten too sane

(n.) an inanimate object that is, usually for entertainment purposes, given voice and animation by a person. this person is usually called a puppeteer or a lobbyist

puppets come in many forms, from the humble googly-eyed sock worn over one's hand, whereafter the fingers can be moved to make its "mouth" flop around like that of a fish corpse; to the marionette, controlled by long strings affixed to its joints and artfully tugged by the fingers of a mustachioed italian man. these are just examples. could also be something much better.

the period of time between your birth and your death.

A dangerous creature known for preying on his victims at the woods.

A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction — prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

1st meal of the day... Unless you have a pre-breakfast snack!

(also: bacon)

(n.) one who is in the business of producing lumber. for some reason this invariably involves wearing red flannel shirts and cultivating a beard like the guy in amityville horror

one who spends their wealth in a socially acceptable way

A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.
(also: marriage)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) when members of the same family take on romantic relationships with one another; one of those things that is viewed as disgusting and reprehensible in the lower class but respectable and proper in the upper class

(n.) one of those tiny countries that's basically just a bunch of banks and casinos that declared independence to get out of paying taxes