trustycoffeemug

(n.) that wire chicken you sometimes see perched on top of buildings, pointing in the direction of the wind.

also called a weathercock. under no circumstances should you compress both of these words together to create a vaneycock.

(n.) a sensation that follows right after one gets one's hopes up, during which the hopes come crashing down and break into shards of bitter, bitter reality.

a spotter's guide to clowns. Remember to exercise discretion when approaching.

Order: Clownidae
* Family Stanczykae (medieval jesters and harlequins)
* Family Commediae
** Genus Marceau (mimes and other street performers)
**Genus Emmitkellidae (classic clowns, birthday clowns, sad clowns, punch and judy puppets
*** Subgenus Vaudevillae (the Three Stooges, Charlie Chaplin, the Marx Brothers)
*** Subgenus Nightmaridae (scary clowns)
*** Subgenus Clussi (sexy clowns)

vipers (always venomous):
*rattlesnakes (snakes with built in warning maracas; not mariachi players)
*fer-de-lances (snakes with fancy french names; not medieval knights)
*bushmasters (south american jungle snake; not a porn category)
*puff adders (north african grassland snake; not a good smoking buddy)
*night adders (another african grassland snake; not played by rowan atkinson)
*copperheads (and cottonmouths, which are basically the same things)

elapids (sometimes venomous):
*cobras (hooded snakes; not affiliated with the klan)
*king cobras (hooded snakes; not affiliated with the british royal family)
*coral snakes (colorful snake; not a harmless milksnake, though it strongly resembles one, leading to one of nature's more fun gambling games)
*death adders (snake with a cool name; does not play death metal)
*kraits (very venomous snakes from india; not meant to be smashed by donkey kong)
*taipan (very venomous snakes from around india; not a tie or a pan)

colubras (rarely venomous):
*boomslangs (not similar to boomerangs)
*kingsnakes (not the last scion of numenor seeking to reclaim throne of gondor)
*garter snakes (a harmless bum who just wants to crash in your garden; not an article of women's underwear)

pythons (never venomous, they simply crush the life out of prey instead)
boas (constrictors like pythons; not feathery scarves)

there are more but let's be honest, you don't care

an antiquated slang term for a plainclothes detective. the name probably originates from the popular image of them sneaking about as if wearing gumshoes- that is, galoshes, rubberized boots worn in mud or other messy conditions, in which one would feel compelled to walk more gingerly.

there is no known tendency for detectives or people in galoshes to get gum on a shoe. it could happen, sure, but still.

a sport involving men standing out on a floe of frozen ice and attempting to savagely beat each other with sticks. it's a bit like bruce wayne's training in batman begins, actually.

(american) an american variation of football, refined to have even more complicated rules so that the on-field action becomes even more slow and excruciating. while nobody in recorded history actually knows how this game is played, and americans are too embarrassed to admit it, it seems to involve large men trying to dogpile each other while a pig's bladder is thrown out of bounds.

(british) a sport originally played in britain in the middle ages. it is played by two opposing teams who stand on opposite ends of a lawn and try to kick a ball into the opposing side's net. conceptually a fairly mind-numbing pastime, most people watch it in hopes of seeing the game degenerate into violence.

"classic" brutish british football is played according to strict association rules developed over centuries, and is thus called soccer (mostly by americans). however, several "unofficial" variations of the sport exist, including those that evolved into rugby, american football (see below) and probably some other, even worse ones.

1) the galaxy in which our puny planet resides. because our earth lies relatively far from the center, we can observe most of this galaxy stretched out across the night sky in a glorious cosmic arch, should one desire a reminder of our utter insignificance

2) a confection consisting of a rectangular bit of whipped mousse and molten sugarcane, coated in a mixture of ground chalk and boiled potato skins with milk chocolate flavoring. british people will insist on calling it a mars bar, with the effect of rendering it far less out of this world.

(n.) a mammal too stuck-up to slum it on the ground with the rest of us, the nocturnal bat takes to the air on wings made from the leathern webbing betwixt their long creepy fingers, using its unearthly shrieking to track prey

contrary to popular legend, bats do not drink the blood of human beings (or at least do not leave witnesses)

(n.) a force that exists within a young girl's heart which can purportedly free her if sufficiently groovy

(n.) a stubbornly elusive piece of knowledge.

life is full of mysteries, such as:
what keeps us from achieving world peace? is it greg?
are we alone in the universe, and if so why does god have such poor space management skills?
what kind of meat is used in salami, really?
who killed mr. black, and with what, and in which room?
why must trustycoffeemug make so many references to classic rock?

(n.) one possible explanation for what's on the other side of a black hole, a fountain of matter and light that constantly spews forth, with such force that any attempt by an object to fight this fountain and enter the hole would be impossible.

you may titter now.

the period of history following the rule of roman emperor winston churchill, who, shortly after his victory in the boer wars, was assassinated at the senate building by john wilkes booth.

during this period, churchill's adopted son john f kennedy became the new emperor, cementing his reign by defeating the rebellion of lunar governor napoleon bonaparte and his mistress cleopatra.

(n.) a peculiar life form that clings to the gutters of houses and is able to remain incredibly still.

also the best cartoon disney ever did

(n.) the keratinous digital pads on the plantar surface of a cat's foot, so designated due to their ovular shape and squishy texture

how sickeningly saccharine

a subspecies of clown that exhibits muted rather than garish coloration, and remains silent instead of boisterous. derives from something very french and philosophical, or so we're told.

(n.) also called the bush baby and the night monkey, a small, nocturnal, arboreal creature from africa, known for its large ears and big sad eyes that would, on consideration, probably be horrifying if you saw them starting at you in the dead of night.

somewhat resemble a more athletic tarsier, and as a relative of the loris and lemur, a distant cousin of humanity much like the hobbit.

(n.) sweet tempered animal whose various subspecies are spread across the continents of africa and asia, where they are regrettably endangered and fight a daily battle against extinction. morphologically resembles an anteater crossed with a pine cone.

(n.) a gregarious, trusting equine creature hailing from south africa in appearance halfway between being a horse and a zebra.

as of 1883, extinct, having been systematically wiped out by the destructive thoughtlessness of humankind. real nice.