the devils dictionary

n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A man whom women are still sampling.



(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

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Is public worship, then, a sin,
That for devotions paid to Bacchus
The lictors dare to run us in,
And resolutely thump and whack us?
—Jorace

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex or condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being preserved on a floating lotus leaf.

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Ere babes were invented
The girls were contented.
Now man is tormented
Until to buy babes he has squandered
His money. And so I have pondered
This thing, and thought maybe
'Twere better that Baby
The First had been eagled or condored.
—Ro Amil

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As Baal he was popular with the Phœnicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word "babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beëlzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays on stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.


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adj. Charming in the natural and unaffected way of the sylvan damsel, unaccustomed to a train.

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Awkward? you should have seen the pace
With which she left her seat,
And, gliding with peculiar grace,
Fell over her own feet.
—Book of Etiquette

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n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

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Facilis descensus Averni,
The poet remarks; and the sense
Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
Will get more of punches than pence.
—Jehal Dai Lupe

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

v.t. In modern usage, to take satisfaction for an injury by cheating the inflictor.


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exc. dynamite bomb-shell system. "get out!"

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n. A dictatorial gentleman with no other restraint upon him than the hand of the assassin. The founder and patron of that great political institution, the dynamite bomb-shell system.


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adj. Indubitably true—in somebody's opinion.

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He ne'er discredited authentic news,
That tended to substantiate his views,
And never controverted an assertion
When true, if it was easy of perversion.
So frank was he that where he was unjust
He always would confess it when he must.
—"The Lawyer," 1750


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.


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adj. Having the quality of an antique virgin, or a legislator approached with a bribe by the side that he has been paid to oppose. The care that is taken to guard against confounding this word with "oyster" will be well rewarded.


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n. The outlying provinces of the ear, as distinguished from the interior counties.

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Dogmatic Dan, with more of ears than brain,
Was laying down the law to Mary Jane.
"You're famous for your oracles," she said.
A sudden anger dyed his cheeks with red;
He seized his hat. "My auricles!" said he—
"Madam, good-bye; you've seen the last of me!"



(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.


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n. The influence which tends to establish neighborly relations among things. There are various kinds of attraction, but the attraction of gravity is the most celebrated. In a woman, however, it is distinctly inferior to the attraction of vivacity.



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n. A person legally appointed to mismanage one's affairs which one has not himself the skill to rightly mismanage.


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n. The science of making the dupe see stars. Astrology is by some held in high respect as the precursor of astronomy. Similarly, the nighthowling tomcat has a just claim to reverential consideration as precursor to the hurtling bootjack.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobius, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.

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"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;
"Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!
Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
God made all else; the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
—G.J.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)