adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon — that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.

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The man who writes in Saxon
Is the man to use an ax on.
—Judibras

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

'not my fault', says the physician. And so the investigation is over

(n.) a food that takes the form of an O made of fried sugar-dough. even though such toruses are theoretically without beginning or end, donuts tend to be gone very quickly.

n. Dr. Bartlett, of the Bulletin.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

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But whether the plan of immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
—G.J.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

a media juggernaut spun off from a 1970s fantasy movie about samurai cowboys who reenact world war ii in space

it's so beloved that all its fans loathe it

A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad-browed philosopher, was a usurper and despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he was not the last.
"Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of Diversiones Sanctorum, "there hath been hardly more argument than that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath her seat in the abdomen — in which faith we may discern and interpret a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' — why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which firmly though civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, pâtés de foie gras and all such Christian comestibles shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly revere) will assent to its dissemination."
(also: ginger)

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(1542-1604) third ruler of the mughal empire, which was based in india but whose ruling class was persian. akbar was a fascinating study in contradictions; although illiterate (possibly dyslexic), he was a patron of intellectuals and philosophers. although an accomplished military leader in a land of sectarian conflict, he promoted peace and understanding between his muslim and hindu subjects

under his rule, the mughal empire grew to encompass much of india, and reached a golden age characterized by unimaginable heights of prosperity. then everything just sort of fell apart after he died. ah well.

no, he was not a space squid, and he did not help destroy the death star

one of the baltic nations alongside latvia and lithuania. came out of nowhere in the foggy annals of history when those uncouth crusaders from prussia decided to attack it. after that it spent a lot of time getting roughed up by prussians, nazis, and soviets, and now presumably wishes it could go back to obscurity

(also: National Basketball Association)



Eastern Conference

Atlantic

Boston Celtics
Brooklyn Nets
New York Knicks
Philadelphia 76ers
Toronto Raptors

Central

Chicago Bulls
Cleveland Cavaliers
Detroit Pistons
Indiana Pacers
Milwaukee Bucks

Southeast

Atlanta Hawks
Charlotte Bobcats
Miami Heat
Orlando Magic
Washington Wizards


Western Conference


Northwest
Denver Nuggets
Minnesota Timberwolves
Oklahoma City Thunder
Portland Trail Blazers
Utah Jazz

Pacific

Golden State Warriors
Los Angeles Clippers
Los Angeles Lakers
Phoenix Suns
Sacramento Kings

Southwest

Dallas Mavericks
Houston Rockets
Memphis Grizzlies
New Orleans Hornets
San Antonio Spurs

(n.) when thing go boom big

An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

exactly what it says on the tin.
not impossible, despite the popular belief and all those venn diagram memes about "choose 2 of 3"..
https://sive.rs/hsu

(also: omni-win)

(n.) a simp

In the Church of England, the Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two.
(also: university)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Adding two-digit numbers is like combining two groups of friends. Imagine you have 47 friends in one group and 69 friends in another group. To find out how many friends you have in total, you count the friends from each group separately. You count 4 tens from the first group and 6 tens from the second group, which gives you 10 tens. Then, you count the 7 ones from the first group and 9 ones from the second group, which gives you 16 ones. So, when you add the tens and ones together, you have 10 tens and 16 ones, which equals 116 friends in total!

(also: Subtracting two-digit numbers)
(also: Counting and making change with money)
(also: Measuring and converting units of length)

(n.) the eternal cycle of violence and poor career decisions which keeps us all occupied until death

hired guide who does the heavy lifting while you feel proud of your accomplishment and bravery.

Bill Nye Day (n.) a kind of day when you don't feel like doing your job. When you walk into the classroom and the TV is in the room and lights are off, you know it's going to be a bill nye day. Bill Nye is a kid's show scientist, which many only watched in school on these kind of days.

(n.) a species of pineapple that really should not be on a pizza