If their food had some flavor, maybe Helen wouldn't have grown up to be such a world-wrecking bitch.

(n.) a mental embryo awaiting gestation into a plan or con

Pronunciation: Chēz

(n) How do you not know what cheese is? Are you dumb? It's cheese. Literally cheese. You eat it, you make it with milk, and it's often paired with wine. It can be found on pizzas, sandwiches, and even the odd pasta dish if you're feeling frisky.

When you can afford to give your dog the backyard it deserves.

"situational comedy"

a televisual narrative entertainment program which purports to place identifiable yet idiosyncratic characters into comedic situations. one of the means by which television executives drain your life force, but alas, never say no one told you life was gonna be this way.

(n.) ain't it the most common kind?

rsvp, répondez s'il vous plaît
asap, as soon as possible
lmao, laughing my ass off
rofl, rolling on the floor laughing
wdym, what do you mean
fwiw, for what it's worth
iirc, if I recall correctly
imho, in my honest/ humble opinion
ttyl, talk to you later
tyvm, thank you very much
tgif, thank god it's friday
byob, bring your own beer/ bottle
nsfw, not safe for work
acab, all cops are bastards
awol, absent without leave
ymmv, your mileage may vary

http, hyper-text transfer protocol
fifo, first in, first out
adhd, hyperactivity disorder
mdma, 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine
nasa, National Aeronautics and Space Administration
ussr, union of soviet state republic

(n.) the skin of a pig

this entry would have been funnier if you had read ham and pork first. i guess that's your problem.

(272 AD – 337) Roman Emperor who accepted Christian religion.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: constantine the great quotes)

A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English civil war — so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this day beneath the snows of British civility.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) the grinning killer of the ocean depths, a squeaking sexual predator, a maritime molester, a blowholed bastard, a swirling nest of aquatic evil

considered one of nature's surprisingly intelligent animals

An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.

A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another — usually about as many times as it can be got there.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

someone who is capable of immersing into digital environments. There are many kinds of gamers. Some enjoy building up their strength as heroes, and saving worlds alongside beloved allies. Others prefer to play the role of the villain or hoodlum, and revel in the glorious chaos they wreak. Another category of gamer plays to escape, either from negative thoughts and feelings, or for other reasons, not related to such things. All gamers have something they connect with in their game that they enjoy, or occupies their energy. Never assume that any demographic of person can be a better gamer than any other demographic of person. This is a toxic myth that looms over gamer culture, preventing it from reaching its utopia.

(also: utopia)

A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
(also: PHONOGRAPH)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Grantarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility.

---

Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!
How profitless the labor you bestow
Upon a dwelling whose magnificence
The tenant neither can admire nor know.

Build deep, build high, build massive as you can,
The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan
By shouldering asunder all the stones
In what to you would be a moment's span.

Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies
That when your marble is all dust, arise,
If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn —
You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.

What though of all man's works your tomb alone
Should stand till Time himself be overthrown?
Would it advantage you to dwell therein
Forever as a stain upon a stone?
—Joel Huck
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)
(also: dictionary)

the Merriam-Webster dictionary, https://www.merriam-webster.com/

a star begins its life as a nebula, a large ionized gaseous cloud that eventually coalesces and ignites.

after some millions of years of life, the star then 'dies;' either it simply dwindles away to a white dwarf and then a frigid black dwarf, or it lights up and explodes into a cosmic inferno known as a supernova. when a supernova finally clears, all that remains is a black hole.

black holes consist of a star's mass compressed into an infinitesimal point, creating such a tremendous gravitational pull that light cannot escape and the very fabric of spacetime is warped to the breaking point like a saranwrap trampoline that's had a bowling ball dropped on it.

stephen hawking invented them, or something.

(v.) a revolt against the authority of upper case and all formal, social-signalling tomfoolery.

(also: upper case)