n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

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One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—
Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
And said it was a god's name! Straight arose
Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
Amazed, the populace the rites attend,
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
And, inly edified to learn that two
Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
And sell their garments to support the priests.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Benefactor; philanthropist.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a large feline predator of africa (formerly of other places), whose men wear wigs while the women go crew-cut

(n.) a choking, gasping, strangled bellowing that accompanies mirth. the best medicine, except for real medicine

“The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche,
(also: Nietzsche)

An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.
(also: racism)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Shaming people just because they are dictators. It is illegal in many 3rd world countries.

(also: most common shaming practices)
(also: necessary shaming practices)

That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one — the knowledge and the dream.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

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This is a truth, as old as the hills,
That life and experience teach:
The poor man suffers that keenest of ills,
An impediment in his reach.
—G.J.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.

the angry next door neighbor of spain. considers olive oil to be a dietary staple

A symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter.

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Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call
To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!"
Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail;
Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail,
Go back to your isle of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume:
Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray —
Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away!
While still you're possessed of a single baubee
(I wish it were pledged to endowment of me)
'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance
Lest its value decline ere your credit advance.
For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea,
Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free!
—Anonymus Bink
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) flaming ball of burning gas which can be seen in the sky during the daytime. a bringer of both life and death, and thus occasionally struggles with popular opinion

(also: star)

(also: european union)

a sport which tests the extent of one's whacking ability: winning a round of golf will often require one to produce whacks of great intensity, but also gentler and more controlled whacks, and a canny player will certainly need to know the comparative advantages of different shafts and heads.

the aim is to produce only the minimum amount of whacks necessary in order to fill a hole.

the game is popular in scotland (anyone surprised?)

now pardon me while I use the ball washer.

Helping you with historical methods and solving problems that are useless

Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

a star begins its life as a nebula, a large ionized gaseous cloud that eventually coalesces and ignites.

after some millions of years of life, the star then 'dies;' either it simply dwindles away to a white dwarf and then a frigid black dwarf, or it lights up and explodes into a cosmic inferno known as a supernova. when a supernova finally clears, all that remains is a black hole.

black holes consist of a star's mass compressed into an infinitesimal point, creating such a tremendous gravitational pull that light cannot escape and the very fabric of spacetime is warped to the breaking point like a saranwrap trampoline that's had a bowling ball dropped on it.

stephen hawking invented them, or something.

(n.) an art and storytelling medium that consists of moving images projected onto a screen. historically followed the same trend as all art forms: "this art form will never catch on," "this art form isn't as good as the art forms we had in my day," "this art form was better when i was growing up," and "not enough porn"

real name of united states of america according to my ass
(also: america)