painting

the devils dictionary
The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons.
(also: art)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

aeneid

trustycoffeemug
an epic poem written by the 1st century roman poet virgil, it describes the flight of trojan refugees following the destruction of their home city in the conclusion of the trojan war. the central character, a young royal named aeneas, leads his people west, hoping to find a place of sanctuary, finally finding it in alba longa.

the strong implication of the story is that aeneas and his band of trojan refugees will eventually be responsible for founding the city of rome, thus giving romans a more impressive and mythical pedigree (the story even attempts to explain the long rivalry between romans and carthaginians by having aeneas get up to hanky panky with a carthaginian woman with the somewhat stupid name of dido).

do you believe this story? you probably shouldn't.

trichinosis

the devils dictionary
The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.

Moses Mendelssohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need an immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day."

"Pork?" shrieked the patient — "pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!"

"Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked.

"I swear it!"

"Good! — then I will undertake to cure you."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

respite

the devils dictionary
A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.

Altgeld upon his incandescent bed
Lay, an attendant demon at his head.

"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief —
Some respite from the roast, however brief."

"Remember how on earth I pardoned all
Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."

"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm
O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.

"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,
Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.

"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,
Not even the memory of who you are."

Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;
Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.

"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be
As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."

"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack
You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."

A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide
While they were turning him on t'other side.
—Joel Spate Woop
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

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