(n.) professional term for the more scrapey kind of boo-boo

a horrific mouthless bird-monster used in heraldry. It doesn't represent anything.

(n.) the perfect tool for the discriminating lunatic who enjoys swinging something with a bit of heft but just feels a mace or club isn't slicey enough.

I'm sorry

the classy way to collect images of naked women

A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.

(n.) a sensation that follows right after one gets one's hopes up, during which the hopes come crashing down and break into shards of bitter, bitter reality.

(n.) the demon cluck-bird is its name, eat its wings to make it tame

these birds, often raised domestically on farms, are known for their gormless stupidity and delicious versatility: their flesh is high in protein, their eggs make a nourishing breakfast, and their necks are easily wrung for convenient sacrifices.

defying the age old philosophical query, there is no particular motivation a chicken might have for crossing a road, as they do not know what roads are.

A computer built by a race of hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings to calculate once and for all the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, to which the answer is 42.

This computer was so large that it was frequently mistaken for a planet - especially by the strange ape-like beings who roamed its surface, totally unaware that they were simply part of a gigantic computer program. And this is very odd, because without that fairly simple and obvious piece of knowledge, nothing that ever happened on the Earth could possibly make the slightest bit of sense.

Sadly however, just before the critical moment of readout, the Earth was unexpectedly demolished by the Vogons to make way - so they claimed - for a new hyperspace bypass, and so all hope of discovering a meaning for life was lost for ever.

(n.) the study of ailments which exist only in the mind, though the bill, unfortunately, does not

Santa Claus for adults

(also: toxic)

K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called Klatch, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural—not to say touching—means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional mnemonic, or if the name was always Klatch and the destruction one of nature's puns. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both—and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

people who overthink life

(also: philosophy)
(also: philanthropist)

(n.) a word noted for its groove and meaning; the residue left over after cooking good food, as punishment for enjoying yourself

n. One who is compelled by the evidence to believe in free will, and whose will is therefore free to reject that doctrine.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

cultural stuff that is more inherently edifying and intellectually stimulating; this means nobody wants to actually pay for it, but fortunately it usually qualifies for government subsidy

to torture someone who may or may not be guilty until they tell you they're guilty

n. a product made for picking ears