(n.) the joy that accompanies seeing a rival or enemy suffer; sort of the reverse of an empathetic cringe of embarrassment

(n.) a terrorist who works with the good guys

(also: terrorist)

In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.

"it matters little: very little love is not so bad, or very little life" -bukowski

Just about the most massively useful thing any interstellar Hitchhiker can carry.
(also: the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy)

making the beast with two backs when you've only got the one back

there are two kinds of people in the world, those who just got done masturbating and those who are still doing it right now

To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo."

---

The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,
Read with a solemn face:
"The music was very uncommonly grand —
The best that was ever provided,
For our townsman Brown presided
At the organ with skill and grace."
The Headliner discontinued to read,
And, spreading the paper down
On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:
"Great playing by President Brown."
—Orpheus Bowen
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a large feline predator of africa (formerly of other places), whose men wear wigs while the women go crew-cut

(also: humans)

(n.) a successor to the augurs of ancient rome who would attempt to predict weather trends by reading animal viscera, albeit the augurs were more often accurate

(noun): The state of mind where you're not sure if you're one step away from a breakdown, or if everyone else is just really bad at dealing with life.

(adjective): A word used to express insincerity or sarcasm when something is actually terrible. A go-to for office small talk and passive-aggressive compliments.

An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good — that is perfection; and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had no cat.
(also: buddha)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

In America the chief executive office of a county, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.

---

John Elmer Pettibone Cajee
(I write of him with little glee)
Was just as bad as he could be.

'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!
The sun has never looked upon
So bad a man as Neighbor John."

A sinner through and through, he had
This added fault: it made him mad
To know another man was bad.

In such a case he thought it right
To rise at any hour of night
And quench that wicked person's light.

Despite the town's entreaties, he
Would hale him to the nearest tree
And leave him swinging wide and free.

Or sometimes, if the humor came,
A luckless wight's reluctant frame
Was given to the cheerful flame.

While it was turning nice and brown,
All unconcerned John met the frown
Of that austere and righteous town.

"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he
So scornful of the law should be —
An anar c, h, i, s, t."

(That is the way that they preferred
To utter the abhorrent word,
So strong the aversion that it stirred.)

"Resolved," they said, continuing,
"That Badman John must cease this thing
Of having his unlawful fling.

"Now, by these sacred relics" — here
Each man had out a souvenir
Got at a lynching yesteryear —

"By these we swear he shall forsake
His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache
By sins of rope and torch and stake.

"We'll tie his red right hand until
He'll have small freedom to fulfil
The mandates of his lawless will."

So, in convention then and there,
They named him Sheriff. The affair
Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
—J. Milton Sloluck


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(adj.) of language; meant to persuade, imply and suggest, for all those times when plainspokenness would be too pussy

n. (Reporterese.) Milk.

(also: milk)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(259 – 210 BC) – King of the state of Qin who conquered and united different regions of China in 221 BC.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: augustus caesar quotes)

the best video game ever made
(also: spider)

The most brutal of enslaved beasts. The greatest victim shuffling on earth. And, after man, the most responsible for her problems. I'd be curious to know what goes through her mind when I kiss her.