All men are assured the first death, which is otherwise known as sleep, and then judgement. The second death is when The Lord no longer thinks of you and casts you into the fiery hell.

the little box that the magic voices are trapped in

Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.

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All things are either sacred or profane.
The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;
The latter to the devil appertain.
—Dumbo Omohundro

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

Mediocre actress and controversial public figure

(also: market)

A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Is the time when you realize that you wasted your entire life,and that you are a horrible person,and the biggest loser in the world,and that no one will remember you after your death and schools will call you the biggest loser in the entire human history and will teach student how not to be like you.

n. One who peddles ready-made emotion, and who, despising us for the qualities upon which he feeds, is by us despised for the unwholesome character of his diet. See STICK.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

marcus antonious (83-30 BC) is a dead roman guy.

once a sidekick to julius caesar, whom he served faithfully as a general but also humiliated a few times by routinely turning up to the senate pig-bastard drunk (this got him into a pissing match with cicero).

when julius kicked the bucket, marc took over as big cheese and set to work thrashing his old master's assassins. however, he was beaten to the punch by augustus caesar, the adopted son of the late caesar, who managed to take control of rome while marcy went skulking around the eastern world looking for allies. this led marc antony to shack up with cleopatra vii, with whom he had a torrid love affair. this sordid romance came to an end when marc antony's armies were well and truly smashed in actium, and he committed suicide to escape octavian's reprisal.

a dead british guy named william shakespeare wrote a little ditty about it.

Consciousness of a brief immunity from something disagreeable.

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Stunning events cast their shadows before.
—Scampbell
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon — that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.

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The man who writes in Saxon
Is the man to use an ax on.
—Judibras

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Everywhere at once. That the power of omnipresence, or ubiquity, is denied to mortals was known as early as the time of Sir Boyle Roche, who in a speech in Parliament said: "A man cannot be in two places at once unless he is a bird."

(c.5BC – 30 AD) Spiritual teacher and central figure of Christianity.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: jesus of nazareth quotes)

Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.
The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal.

one of the less savory human avocations, the act of graverobbing amounts to theft of a corpse or its sundry accoutrements from their proper place of internment.

graverobbing has been an epidemic concern at various points in history. for example, in egypt, even in ancient times (when it was better known as ancient egypt), the elaborate tombs of pharaohs were tempting targets for taphological treasure-hunting transgressors, who would seek to pillage not only the gold ornaments with which pharaohs were buried, but also occasionally the mummies themselves (apparently they were considered to have medicinal purposes. mmm, human jerky)

graverobbing was also a source of concern in victorian england, as the need for fresh corpses for medical research (and lack of willing donors) left doctors' associations with little other recourse but to accept stolen cadavers, maintaining plausible deniability by not asking too many questions.

graverobbing may strike the reader as callous, heartless, and reprehensible, but the open-minded among us should remember, you can't take it with you

(n.) one who sings. not to be confused with one who singes.

(1870 – 1924) Leader of the Russian Revolution and new Communist regime from 1917 to 1924.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: lenin quotes)

Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators.

(n.) a zebra crossed with a kangaroo. probably evolved from a population of kangaroos that strayed into southern africa and developed a stripey coat in order to camouflage in the treeless grasslands, analogously to other grazing animals of the region.

... does not actually exist. But then again, if it doesn't exist, why do I have a picture of it?