baptism

the devils dictionary
n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways—by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

But whether the plan of immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And by matching their agues tertian.
—G.J.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

optimism

the devils dictionary
The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof — an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

shark

trustycoffeemug
(n.) a razor-sharp grin attached to a large fish, with a dorsal fin to give fair warning

a crueler, land-based form of the animal prefers to swindle rather than outright eat its prey

earth

douglas adams
A computer built by a race of hyperintelligent pan-dimensional beings to calculate once and for all the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, to which the answer is 42.

This computer was so large that it was frequently mistaken for a planet - especially by the strange ape-like beings who roamed its surface, totally unaware that they were simply part of a gigantic computer program. And this is very odd, because without that fairly simple and obvious piece of knowledge, nothing that ever happened on the Earth could possibly make the slightest bit of sense.

Sadly however, just before the critical moment of readout, the Earth was unexpectedly demolished by the Vogons to make way - so they claimed - for a new hyperspace bypass, and so all hope of discovering a meaning for life was lost for ever.

actor

trustycoffeemug
(n.) a professional who pretends to be someone else in order to tell a story.

once regarded as having the same low social status as a prostitute, though this is not the case today as prostitutes are becoming more and more appreciated.

monument

the devils dictionary
n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

The bones of Agamemnon are a show,
And ruined is his royal monument,

but Agamemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its reductiones ad absurdum in monuments "to the unknown dead" — that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of those who have left no memory.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

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