n. The number which represents a hen's periodical output of eggs.


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A lost city of canals. The mythological birthplace of all swimming rhinos.

a pitiable state in which one person is friends with another, rather than sexual partners

An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) an attempt to do oneself in through the most pleasant means at hand, including drunkenness, gluttony, and general revelry

(also: debauchery)
(also: hedonism)
(also: New Orleans)

if you are given the option between fungible goods of various prices, buy the most expensive one

(n.) basically a small pork chop.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
― Martin Luther King Jr.

In America the chief executive office of a county, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.

---

John Elmer Pettibone Cajee
(I write of him with little glee)
Was just as bad as he could be.

'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!
The sun has never looked upon
So bad a man as Neighbor John."

A sinner through and through, he had
This added fault: it made him mad
To know another man was bad.

In such a case he thought it right
To rise at any hour of night
And quench that wicked person's light.

Despite the town's entreaties, he
Would hale him to the nearest tree
And leave him swinging wide and free.

Or sometimes, if the humor came,
A luckless wight's reluctant frame
Was given to the cheerful flame.

While it was turning nice and brown,
All unconcerned John met the frown
Of that austere and righteous town.

"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he
So scornful of the law should be —
An anar c, h, i, s, t."

(That is the way that they preferred
To utter the abhorrent word,
So strong the aversion that it stirred.)

"Resolved," they said, continuing,
"That Badman John must cease this thing
Of having his unlawful fling.

"Now, by these sacred relics" — here
Each man had out a souvenir
Got at a lynching yesteryear —

"By these we swear he shall forsake
His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache
By sins of rope and torch and stake.

"We'll tie his red right hand until
He'll have small freedom to fulfil
The mandates of his lawless will."

So, in convention then and there,
They named him Sheriff. The affair
Was opened, it is said, with prayer.
—J. Milton Sloluck


(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

a game that begins to lay the psychological framework of addictive personality disorder within the minds of children, in a subtle-enough way that parents do not notice it, until the process is long-completed.

(also: indoctrination)

An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Apparently.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a european who drinks olive oil from the flask and despises spaniards

time is an illusion
lunchtime doubly so

In the manner of a traveling railroad magnate.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) an unexpectedly successful colony of the americas originally established as a free range insane asylum. at one point was marketed as a luxury vacation destination until the tourism board realized they weren't fooling anyone.

(n.) small green leguminous vegetables. we know a remote farm in lincolnshire, owned by mrs. buckley, where peas grow, every July...

do you really mean that? i thought we were going to have a, a picture of a snowy field on this entry. isn't that the fun of it? we have the snowy field and then we cut to the can of peas. a big dish of peas. we're talking about this buckley broad and she's picking them. right? i don't understand you, what's...

why? why would i link on "in?" that doesn't make any sense. sorry, there's no known way to write an article about peas and segue into the link for the word "in." get me a jury and show me how that's done and i'll go down on you. that's just idiotic, if you don't mind me saying so. "in." impossible. meaningless. you're not thinking. there's too much editing going on around here. i accept edits from one person under protest, two i don't sit still. who the hell are you, anyway? why the hell are you asking me for more links? jesus.

you don't know what i'm up against here. this is a very wearying one. unpleasant to write. unrewarding. i wouldn't edit any living writer the way you're doing this. the right text for this article is the text i'm writing. and now i've spent like twenty times more text on this article than anything else i've ever written. you are such pests. what is it you want? What, in the depths of your ignorance, what is it you want? whatever it is you want, i can't deliver. i just don't see it. no money is worth this.

anyway, here under protest is beef burgers