The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.
(also: racism)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.

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Altgeld upon his incandescent bed
Lay, an attendant demon at his head.

"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief —
Some respite from the roast, however brief."

"Remember how on earth I pardoned all
Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall."

"Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm
O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.

"Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,
Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate.

"Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,
Not even the memory of who you are."

Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;
Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.

"As long, sweet demon, let my respite be
As, governing down here, I'd respite thee."

"As long, poor soul, as any of the pack
You thrust from jail consumed in getting back."

A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide
While they were turning him on t'other side.
—Joel Spate Woop
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Helping you with historical methods and solving problems that are useless

adj. The comparative degree of too much.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Bacon is simply the best part of the pig, in my opinion. It is salt cured, often smoked, and usually from the belly. The fatty belly pieces are just amazing and can be used in so many ways. I like to grill or fry bacon, and use it in sandwiches, bacon & egg and other breakfast combinations, wrapped around grilled scallops, as a topping for grilled oysters, etc. I much prefer it in decent sized slices, not bacon bits, but bacon bits do have their uses, e.g. in salad.

The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a mythical being that rises from a moldering grave to drain the life blood of unsuspecting prey; probably inspired by earlier tales of landlords or moochers

Suicide but with help from another human being.

not weighed-down, those sheeple

(n) A convenient excuse for the Almighty to shirk their divine duties and leave humanity to their own devices. One can only imagine the heavenly distractions that must be more important than answering prayers or intervening in earthly affairs. Perhaps God is binge-watching a new series on Netflix or indulging in a celestial spa day. Either way, mere mortals will have to wait until God returns to their desk to handle the backlog of requests. In the meantime, humans may have to resort to solving their own problems, like adults.

(also: creation of the universe)

the ancient chinese art of mystical housekeeping

(n.) forbidden, not to be confused with elicit

(n.) when dogs become children, you start to feel bad to just leave them, and so you give them over to a 4-or-5 star hotel of their own. but, it's one thing to treat pets as children. that's not even the problem.
but to treat any sentient being as a 'doll' to match your 'lifestyle' (with outfits, spa services, vegan/ gluten-free diets, etc.) is truly cruel. upper end doggy daycares may include such extravagances as spa treatments & getting nails done, clearly pandering more to the humans in charge than the dogs.

(n.) a traditional form of halloween decoration consisting of a vegetable that has been mutilated and disemboweled. a candle is then placed inside the hollowed-out specimen so that the baleful light may evoke the visage of a hideous, grinning face, to be presented on one's doorstep on halloween night.

the real horror comes days after that when you have to clean it up.

(also: pumpkin)

n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A cap of state wrought into the shape of two crowns, formerly worn by kings. Very pretty monarchs had it made in the form of three crowns.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.

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A life on the ocean wave,
A home on the rolling deep,
For the spark that nature gave
I have there the right to keep.

They give me the cat-o'-nine
Whenever I go ashore.
Then ho! for the flashing brine —
I'm a natural commodore!
—Dodle

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

(n.) also known as whole water.
step one if your beloved has been cut to pieces in a fairytale: assemble the pieces and pour this special water over the wounds. stay strong, you are not done yet. do not drink the dead water. do not get distracted. your beloved's life is on the line!

https://nicholaskotar.com/2018/10/05/living-and-dead-water/

(also: living water)
(also: magical water)
(also: slavic folktales)