n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig — Maria pseudo-hirsuta. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Porter, Thaddeus of Warsaw.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(v.) Conducting disputes over minor marginal issues, while overlooking more serious ones.
Derived from the scenario of people arguing over what color to paint the bicycle shed while the house is not finished.

(also: pedantry)
(also: law of triviality)
(also: peter's principle)

(also: grammar nazi)

(1596 – 1650) French philosopher and mathematician. “I think, therefore I am.”
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: rene descartes quotes)

according to encyclopedia galactica

institutionalized social system in which men dominate over others.

The best time to do everything you have planned for today.

n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

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By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said,
Attests to the gods its respect for the dead.
We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint,
Distil him for physic and grind him for paint,
Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame,
And with levity flock to the scene of the shame.
O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme:
For respecting the dead what's the limit of time?
—Scopas Brune

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own feet and some from lack of restoratives. The (also: mice), he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to lovely woman; for a hard heart has a false tongue.

(also: mice)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.
(also: death)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A woman that has sex with everyone and wears revealing clothing.

A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division at Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once."

"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy."

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(1822 – 1895) French biologist. Developed a cure for rabies and other infectious diseases.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: louis pasteur quotes)

(n.) explorers who are less concerned with the wondrous new lands and customs and more concerned with the workload they're escaping

(n.) an ideal tool for the harvesting of grain, parting souls from the body of the living, or staging a peasant rebellion, consisting of a long handle and a sharp curvaceous blade. once upon a time in russia, partnered with the hammer but they aren't on speaking terms anymore.

(adj.)

1) nervous, jumpy; more jittery than a green snake in a sugarcane plantation

2) avant-garde and trendmaking; for some reason, this usually equates to taking a corny cartoon made for immature children and retooling it into a grim cartoon for immature teenagers

Unable to leave.
(also: leaving the planet)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a vile candy that beguiles you with a bright red shell, tempting you with the sweet taste of strawberries or cherries, only to reveal itself as filthy, tongue-searing cinnamon

n. (Reporterese.) Milk.

(also: milk)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(noun): A charmingly deceptive bunch, known for luring unsuspecting tourists into a state of perpetual relaxation and carefree indulgence.

n. Authors of other dictionaries.