n. (Reporterese.) Milk.

(also: milk)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) stating that people in a hierarchy tend to rise to their "level of incompetence".
employees are promoted based on their success in previous jobs until they reach a position where they are no longer competent.

(also: incompetence)

n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basis of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion — thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; therefore —

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.

This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) one with admirable qualities worthy of emulation and laudable achievement, like being a main character; one who is not a zero

not a greek sandwich

A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Self imposed torture to gain more knowledge in an area just to fail miserably the very next day on the test

A candid man of affairs.
It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companions lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. When Voltaire's turn came he said: "Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story."
(also: story)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Noun: A thick heavy weapon, used mostly when you need to bludgeon the hell out of something.

Verb: The process of whacking the shit out of something.

Yes, you can use bludgeons to bludgeon.

(adj.) of the same name

(also: name)
(also: names)
(also: naming)

People petting you for no real reason.

(n.) a particularly seditious form of vegetable; unlike corn, which is dutifully regimented in rows of stalks, potatoes tend to dwell underground, where they might be up to any kind of subversive activity

still, they can be served a lot of ways and most of them taste pretty good.

(i) not a bird nor a plane. Sometimes a man, sometimes a myth.
(ii) the decoder ring on a map. can you believe it, map creators stuck the lock and key together? amateurs. they couldn't even give us a puzzle or riddle to look forward to.

really want it to be etymologically linked to ledger, but alas.

(v.) a tactic employed in contests of athletic or academic skill, which enables craftier competitors to level the playing field with superior athletes and academics

(also: lie)
(also: steal)

a tiny alpine country nestled between france, germany, and italy. throughout history it has managed to stay wealthy and peaceful by providing other countries with things they need (formerly mercenaries, nowadays tax havens) without otherwise getting involved in international politics in any way whatsoever.

offers nice skiing, decent education, clean, orderly cities and quiet seclusion, but the price for this is that there's virtually no nightlife. you can have swiss banks or french brothels, but, it would appear, not both.

explosive i guess
(also: creation of the universe)

The macabre altar used by capable comedians of all sort to display their priestly talent for reciting masses. The beneficiaries pay nothing less than 100% humiliation.

In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard.

---

Should you ask me whence this laughter,
Whence this audible big-smiling,
With its labial extension,
With its maxillar distortion
And its diaphragmic rhythmus
Like the billowing of an ocean,
Like the shaking of a carpet,
I should answer, I should tell you:
From the great deeps of the spirit,
From the unplummeted abysmus
Of the soul this laughter welleth
As the fountain, the gug-guggle,
Like the river from the cañon,
To entoken and give warning
That my present mood is sunny.
Should you ask me further question —
Why the great deeps of the spirit,
Why the unplummeted abysmus
Of the soul extrudes this laughter,
This all audible big-smiling,
I should answer, I should tell you
With a white heart, tumpitumpy,
With a true tongue, honest Injun:
William Bryan, he has Caught It,
Caught the Whangdepootenawah!

Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank,
Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,
Standing silent in the kneedeep
With his wing-tips crossed behind him
And his neck close-reefed before him,
With his bill, his william, buried
In the down upon his bosom,
With his head retracted inly,
While his shoulders overlook it?
Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,
Shiver grayly in the north wind,
Wishing he had died when little,
As the sparrow, the chipchip, does?
No 'tis not the Shankank standing,
Standing in the gray and dismal
Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.
No, 'tis peerless William Bryan
Realizing that he's Caught It,
Caught the Whangdepootenawah!

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soulmate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”
― Marilyn Monroe
(also: life)
(also: Marilyn Monroe)

n. A follower of Achilles — particularly when he didn't lead.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) source of all life; is wet.