(n.) a professional who upholds the rule of law by finding ways for people to get around it

A form of penance practiced by the medieval pious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice.

(also: god)

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

When you are above

(n.) basically a small pork chop.

(n.) the pursuit and slaughter of rare and exotic animals in africa, packaged as a vacation for rich and adventurous sorts of people

The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A mechanical marvel, that is powered by a mighty mainspring, which sends power through, typically, 4 gears and their pinions to a finely tuned balance. All that only to tell you the time of day.
Many watches also possess extra functions (or complications) such as:
-stopwatches (chronographs)
-showing the current date
-the ever beloved automatic winding of the mainspring

Though not as needed in the current times, they still are beautiful constructs, used to show status, or just to look nice.

(also: digital watches)
(also: time)

(n.) one's social standing, the immortal part of oneself which endures past the degradation and decay of their material flesh. that which Joan Jett does not give a damn about.

A depressed person typically between the ages of 17 and 18.
Commonly found crying into a empty cup noodles and wondering where they went wrong in life

A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with Kansas."
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner or the accused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediæval times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued in contumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples an ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this cause célèbre nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.
(also: judge)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
(also: governing people)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
(also: revolution)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) East Asian culture fetish; when weeabooism goes too far

(n.) one who tracks down and apprehends people for money, usually criminals who have jumped bail.

somewhat similar to a private detective but less likely to wear a monochrome trench coat or monologue to oneself in the rain

Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

The uniform of the poor, serving to distinguish these creatures from their creators.
(also: poor)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a sensation that follows right after one gets one's hopes up, during which the hopes come crashing down and break into shards of bitter, bitter reality.

thing you should do but don't.

(also: panic)