vlad iii (1428ish-1476ish) was a ruler in romania who became famous for brutally massacring turkish people to get out of paying them back for their assistance in brutally massacring the hungarians

he was not a vampire, but at some point bram stoker, and then the entire world, decided he would be more interesting if he were a vampire. so now everyone just pretends he was. today, dracula-the-vampire is one of the most prolific characters in all of fiction, but has probably not seen a penny of the royalties himself, which just goes to show who the real bloodsuckers are.

(n.) a merry-go-round; a carnival attraction consisting of a large round gazebo, rotating slowly as it emits menacing calliope music, and filled with petrified and impaled animals on which merrymakers are invited to ride.

(n.) one conceived through an unauthorized act of carnal knowledge; often used as a casual insult to those sensitive about their parentage

(phrase) The hapless predicament experienced by students desperately seeking knowledge but thwarted by the absence of a crucial educational tome. A masterclass in forgetfulness, resulting in panic, creative improvisation, and daring acts of textbook retrieval. A tale of woe that ignites the sympathy of teachers, evokes theatrical sighs, and teaches the valuable lesson of double-checking one's backpack before embarking on academic adventures.


(also: I didn't have enough time to finish it)
(also: I left it at home by mistake)
(also: I was sick and couldn't complete the work)
(also: I had a family emergency)
(also: I didn't have access to the necessary resources)

Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" — in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) a traditional form of halloween decoration consisting of a vegetable that has been mutilated and disemboweled. a candle is then placed inside the hollowed-out specimen so that the baleful light may evoke the visage of a hideous, grinning face, to be presented on one's doorstep on halloween night.

the real horror comes days after that when you have to clean it up.

(also: pumpkin)

An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. Unfortunately for the existing entente cordiale between two great nations, she was the Sultana.
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

(n.) the eternal cycle of violence and poor career decisions which keeps us all occupied until death

n. Literally a freedman; hence, one who is in bondage to his passions.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

Includes varieties such as classical, baroque, country, jazz, rock, ska, disco, punk, funk, metal, polka, folka and pretentious

(n.) a bunch of weird rituals and confected historical narratives intended to make fraternities for the middle-aged seem more respectable and mysterious. the rites and practices of freemasonry are very secretive and not shared with outsiders on pain of severe punishment; these practices can however be read about in countless publicly-available books on the subject

(n.) implement used by one to bring harm onto another, thus sparking off the central intrigue of civilization

(n.) a big dumb animal occasionally handy for riding. extremely vulnerable to death by overfeeding, underfeeding, overworking, and minor leg injuries

(n.) the sincerest form of flattery which mediocrity can pay to greatness. also the insincerest form of crab meat.

(also: crab)

An Italian food made in the form of a slender, hollow tube. It consists of two parts — the tubing and the hole, the latter being the part that digests.

(n.) when members of the same family take on romantic relationships with one another; one of those things that is viewed as disgusting and reprehensible in the lower class but respectable and proper in the upper class

a very unpopular charlie chaplin-lookalike

(n.) before disco, there was polka!

(also: disco)

(1743 – 1826) 3rd President of US. Principle author of the US Declaration of Independence.
(also: 100 most influential people in the world)
(also: thomas jefferson quotes)

A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that —

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"Stone walls do not a prison make,"

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but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden of sweets.
(also: crime)
(also: The Devil's Dictionary)