vanity

the devils dictionary
The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

They say that hens do cackle loudest when
There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid;
And there are hens, professing to have made
A study of mankind, who say that men
Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen
Make the most clamorous fanfaronade
O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid
They're not entirely different from the hen.
Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold,
His blazing breeches and high-towering cap —
Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap!
Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
Is that in battle he will never hurt you?
—Hannibal Hunsiker

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

golf

trustycoffeemug
a sport which tests the extent of one's whacking ability: winning a round of golf will often require one to produce whacks of great intensity, but also gentler and more controlled whacks, and a canny player will certainly need to know the comparative advantages of different shafts and heads.

the aim is to produce only the minimum amount of whacks necessary in order to fill a hole.

the game is popular in scotland (anyone surprised?)

now pardon me while I use the ball washer.

malthusian

the devils dictionary
Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have been of the same way of thinking.
(also: the devils dictionary)

weather

the devils dictionary
The climate of an hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.

Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see,
And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be —
Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth,
With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth.
While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incandescent youth,
From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth.
He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote
On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote —
For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow:
"Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow."
—Halcyon Jones

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

lickspittle

the devils dictionary
n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare.

(also: The Devil's Dictionary)

assassination

trustycoffeemug
(n.) the art of killing important people so as to prevent them from doing important things. assassinations are events of massive historical significance and have caused such tragedies as wars, revolutions, and walter cronkite tearing up during a public news broadcast.

conscience

trustycoffeemug
(n.) a figment of one's conscious mind that rates the moral consequences of one's actions; the central aim of civilization is learning that the conscience's dictates cannot be ignored, and thus must be more cleverly circumvented

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